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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
| The Sound of Music... |
| 05.17.05 (4:12 pm) [edit] |
|
I didn’t cry yesterday. That’s a good thing, I think. Actually, it doesn’t happen all that often anyway. It is usually triggered by something…a photo, an object, or a stray thought. Depending on the volatility of the memory, my response can range from a tsunami like wave of emotion where I am clinging for dear life to my coffee cup and a box of kleenex or it comes in a ripple, like wind blowing over a puddle. To this, my response is softly whispering, "Oh, Ali. Oh, Ali." I guess it’s kind of like being followed by the little black rain cloud…an instability in the atmosphere. Partly sunny with a chance of rain. I didn’t cry yesterday, but, I did find myself in the grip of a terrible fit of laughter. One of those bottom of your belly, tear-dropping laughs that is generally initiated by something really stupid… but the more you laugh, the harder it is to stop. This happens to my sisters at very inappropriate times. Like during the car crash scenes in driver’s education class or their niece’s dramatic interpretive dance about Christ’s crucifixion. It happened to me at church when I was in the sixth grade. I was sitting in the front row with my friend when my stomach started growling. We tried to hold back. It started out as a snicker, a giggle, if you will, but, soon enough it erupted into a full blown outburst. Our bodies shook, our noses snorted, and as we tried to gain our composure, little gasps of air escaped and floated up to the pulpit, while a pair of condescending eyes stared down at us from behind thick, black serious preaching- type glasses. I knew that this couldn’t be good for my heavenly report card. I had already been kicked out of catechism for flirting with Randy Sweet… and swearing. I don’t think that it came as much of a surprise to anyone. I come from a long and proud line of heathens. Yesterday, I had the luck to be by myself when my fit of laughter over-took me. One of the things that I will miss most about driving back and forth to Michigan is the singing. I love to sing in the car—loud and with the passion of a Diva. I went through a Sara McLachlan phase and a Carly Simon phase, even an Avril LaVigne phase, but, now for some unexplained reason I am hooked on Fleetwood Mac. This is embarrassing for several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that for the past 13 years, I have refused to listen to Fleetwood Mac because they played Bill Clinton’s "Don’t Stop" theme song at the 1992 convention. Seriously, it pissed me off so badly that if they came on the radio, I changed the station. This was no easy thing. I loved Fleetwood Mac. Many of my best High School memories were accompanied by Fleetwood Mac songs and now all I could imagine was Bill Clinton’s smug, smiling face. They ruined it for me and I couldn’t forgive them. One day recently on a PBS special, I saw a video of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks singing "Stand Back" and realized that I missed them. I missed her deep, scratchy voice, and her tough girl energy. I missed singing all of those familiar songs while tossing my hair back and hitting the beat on the steering wheel. Thirteen years is a really long time and I decided that it was time forgive Fleetwood Mac. Less than a week later, I am driving down the expressway doing 80 mph, practicing percussion on my steering wheel, tossing back my hair and belting out "Gypsy" so loudly that I was sure the cars next to me were checking their radios. This is so much fun! When "The Edge of Seventeen" came on I had forgotten a few lines so on several parts I ended up singing the wrong words by myself and in one blinding flash it became clear…Oh my God, I have the worst voice in the history of independent automobile concerts. I don’t sound like Stevie Nicks… I sound like… really, really bad. For some reason, this made me laugh. It made me laugh quite a bit. Tears were pouring out my eyes. I’m not even sure why. I guess that it was the thought of someone seeing my little performance or hearing my off-key bellowing. Maybe it was because I was just so damned bad. Megan would have taken my IPOD away an hour ago. She won’t even let me hum since she witnessed Ashli and I singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" with such drama that we almost rear-ended a car that was turning into McDonalds. And Ali… used to get very upset with me because I liked to move my head (bop) to rap music. She had a fear that we would be car-jacked because they (the would-be car-jackers) would see some old white woman (me) mocking the music and want me dead. I explained that I wasn’t mocking… I was legitimately grooving. She still seemed to think that it was worthy of homicide. Megan came in my room the other day while I was listening (and singing ever so quietly). She looked at me with that disgusted "you’re so odd" teenage look and said, "what’s up with the music"? "The music," I said, "is Fleetwood Mac, you have no taste, and you have just managed to annoy me in five words…now go clean something." For some reason, children don’t like to see us having fun…especially at the expense of their possible embarrassment. Meanwhile, back on the highway, I was almost to Michigan. My trip was almost at its end. It felt good to laugh at myself...to laugh in general. The car was strangely quiet and I suddenly got a little melancholy. I tried to listen to the radio but nothing suited my mood. Finally, I turned the dial of the IPOD. If I can forgive Fleetwood Mac for singing for Bill Clinton… they can certainly forgive me for mutilating their music. Oh yeah. And while I tossed back my hair, closed my eyes (very briefly) for drama and belted out the words to "The Chain"--loudly and with the passion of a diva, I’m sure Ali was watching me from on high saying to anyone who would listen…oh my God, she is so embarrassing…doesn’t she know she’s going to get car-jacked? |
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 05.17.05 (1:50 pm)
Hahahaha! I was singing 'The Chain' three days ago in my car on the way to drop the little one's at school. There aren't too many singers who can keep up with Stevie, let alone non-singers. I count myself proudly among the Cameron Diaz's of 'My Best Friend's Wedding' - well, perhaps I'm not *that* bad, but pretty close sometimes. One of my favorite pasttimes is singing badly. I actually list that on various profiles, like on Friendsters.com. Singing badly is a wonderful thing to do, especially with friends.
You may have missed the most embarrassing post I ever had the nerve to put up. I recorded my voice, singing a made up little ditty designed to tease a fellow blogger. Several people were scared out of their skin because their volume was turned up and one person even told me his ears were bleeding.
I say sing and sing badly! The louder you are, the more Miss Ali will surely collapse in fits of giggles once she has gotten over how embarrassing you are. ;)
And if you don't love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain...
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 05.17.05 (3:32 pm)
Oh you got it back, that wonderful sense of humor. I am 64 and I also am singing quite loudly, bobbing my head, and beating the stearing wheel. And I know people are questioning my sanitity, when I listen to Bob & Tom in the morning. It is great to finally laugh again. I do want you to know that you got that singing, and beating the wheel from me, your mom. Just love ya, and thanks for such a wonderful blog.....sorry about the spelling....remember I'm almost 65 and can't be perfect in everything.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (5:55 pm)
Reply to: lindy
Hi Lindy. You are such an encouragement to me. Thank you. we seem to have very similar personalities. that's probably a scary thing for me to say. :) But people who like Jane Austen have to be kindred spirits of some sort. ANyway... I imagine that if we were out drinking margaritas together we would be dangerous. I couldn't pull up any words on your blog... i'll try again later. But, I wanted to say hello and that it doesn't get much better than "the chain". very nice to hear from you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (5:58 pm)
Reply to: JAS
mama! you listen to bob and tom? shame on you... see... i said I came from a long and proud line of heathens! :) so kidding. you are a sweet and wonderful mother. who else would hand out little cards with their daughter's blog address? :) glad you laughed again and i've heard you sing and it's lovely. love you.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:14 pm)
Landslide is one of my favoritest songs ever - and NOT that "other" version!!! Unfortunately, though there are a few things I can sing well, that is not one of them. I don't have the range. As long as Stevie stays in the dusky low, I can fake it.
I went to a funeral today. The boy was 16. I didn't hear the radio go off Friday nite, so I wasn't there to answer the call. He was goofing around the way 16 year old boys do, and he jumped onto a girl's car, while it was moving, then tried to do a flip off of it, landing on his head.
They took him in Life-Flight, but he still died the next morning. I didn't know the mother well, but her daughter is in my daughter's Girl Scout troop, for which I am a co-leader. I took that daughter to the funeral, to show respect for her friend and the family. When the mother walked down the aisle... How can one person withstand such pain?
I don't have the same sort of faith in the same sort of God that you do. I may even post on that some day. And the sermon about sin and the blood of the lamb bothered me. For the first time ever. I was raised Christian after all. Funerals and weddings are the ideal opportunity to capture the un-preached. But this time. This time. I decided there would be no church funeral for me.
They bused the kids from the high school. Two or three busloads. A rural church, but not a small one, with 80 people standing. Hundreds seated. Teenage girls passing kleenex.
No parent should bury their child. Is that a modern, developed-nation concept, I wonder? So many mothers buried multiple children before the days of good medical care. But now. Now it's different. Except in third world nations, famine and war zones. There, it's just part of life. Here. Now. I can imagine no pain worse. Sometimes I wonder in that even coming close to it, I'm tempting fate. If something happened to one of mine, would it be because the perceived enormity of my pain had tempted it?
I am happy that you are laughing, and thrilled that you are singing. And whatever I may believe, it certainly includes that Ali was watching. I can't imagine that she was embarassed though. She must be so proud of you. So proud she shines.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:51 pm)
Reply to: altricial
Because I read a lot of history, I think about that a great deal... how in the past mother's had to bury their children all of the time. That probably is the difference ... we don't expect to and they did it constantly.
Whenever Ali's friends would come to the funeral home it killed me... they were so torn up... it is like they have realized for the first time that they are not invincible.
tonight again, I had a difficult time. It just still didn't seem real. i walked into a room and remembered her there and it about killed me. no, it doesn't seem right but it happens all of the time.
Ali's funeral was very different. I wanted it to be a reflection of her. She and I both had "issues" with organized religion...not God... but religiousness. A friend of mine put parts of Ali's Xanga journal on powerpoint and we put it to Led Zeppelin and I let Ali speak for herself. People laughed and they cried and i think that they saw how God worked in her. I think she would have liked it.
I think that what you have to say about God would be an intersting thing... you can be sure it always sparks debate. I'm sorry about the young man and his family... I would like to say that I can't imagine their pain, but, I can. very well. I'm glad you wrote. thanks.
posted by: Linda (reply)
post date: 05.19.05 (7:53 am)
I never wanted to tell you how bad of a singer you are, being your my sister and all, but now that it is out in the open you should know the girls and I had talked alot about it and started to hide your CD's. And to think your my idol! I love you so much and love to hear you sing no matter how bad, and I guess I have no room to talk, I have seen the look of horror from Megan, Ali and Jenson when we did are Sound of Music routine.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.19.05 (5:21 pm)
Reply to: Linda
Et tu, Brute? I am crushed. This was the unkindest cut of all.
I love you too... go ask Lisa to do the Sound of Music with you... or the Sweeney Sister's Christmas special... ah ha. loser.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.20.05 (5:13 pm)
Reply to: Godsmack
Just read your blog. Perhaps a lobotomy would be well advised. Although, an exorcism would probably be cheaper.
posted by: Codes4U (reply)
post date: 05.20.05 (6:40 pm)
I don't know how to put into words how much that I look up to you. You are so amazing at what you do. Also, I cant wait to see you at my brother's graduation. I Love you, and don't you ever forget that.
Jeremiah
posted by: Codes4U (reply)
post date: 05.20.05 (6:41 pm)
I don't know how to put into words how much that I look up to you. You are so amazing at what you do. Also, I cant wait to see you at my brother's graduation. I Love you, and don't you ever forget that.
Jeremiah
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.21.05 (5:40 pm)
Reply to: Godsmack
regarding exorcism: please see t-mail.
happy to make you laugh.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.21.05 (5:41 pm)
Reply to: Codes4U
love you too jeremiah. looking forward to seeing you next week.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 05.22.05 (11:50 am)
Why is it that we're so easily "tickled" at Church? I swear I can't count the number of times I've got a good case of the giggles there, and I really don't know why? Unless it's just the fact that we know we should be reverent?
I am glad to know there's some laughter in your life, even if some of it is bittersweet. I can't imagine how difficult this everyday journey must be for you and your family. You are in my thoughts many times :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.23.05 (2:47 am)
Reply to: Godsmack
I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions. I am, however, glad that we got a chance to talk. I really do wish you all the best.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 05.23.05 (3:02 am)
Reply to: FinalyFree
Luckily I now go to church where laughter is a regular part of the program. Thank you for your thoughts. Little Kings, huh? The breakfast of champions. :)
posted by: cheercraze (reply)
post date: 05.27.05 (8:01 pm)
please visit my blog. my latest entry is important (its about a game for all bloggers). your participation is appreciated.
spread the word!
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 05.28.05 (5:28 am)
I'm a VERY liberal person, who liked Bill, and LOVES Fleetwood Mac. I can forgive the world for having that make even the slightest bit of a difference. ;)
People are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully? - Depeche Mode
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.28.05 (5:41 am)
Reply to: Cutter
some of my best friends are very liberal and it doesn't make the slightest difference to me... until they speak. :)
I used to be very political... now I see things your way...none of it really matters all that much.
posted by: jen (reply)
post date: 06.10.05 (4:53 am)
I have been reading you for a long time now. There have been many times that I have wanted to comment, and I have not. Mostly just because I could not find the right words. I just thought I would tell you that I think you are an amazingly strong woman....and I thoroughly enjoyed the hell out of this post. Just reading about the incident in church had me rolling with laughter!!
Thanks for sharing all that you do.....
posted by: Sue in Toledo (reply)
post date: 06.10.05 (7:04 am)
What a wonderful blog! I laughed out loud and snorted. I too am an awful singer (they tease me at work and my husband asks that I please don't even hum!) I do enjoy it tho! I remember all those inappropriate times that I burst into giggles with my 2 sisters and I genuinely love bopping to rap music. Hope I don't get car-jacked!
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
