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| Of Trials and Tribulations... |
| 05.15.05 (8:18 pm) [edit] |
|
Of Trials… My goal was to write something a bit more uplifting, but, I find that I can’t. I am walking around with a heaviness in my chest that is with me almost constantly. I cannot sleep and there is a numbness in my nose and eyes because I am always on the verge of tears. I want it to go away. I want my mind to turn off. My thoughts to cease. I want to turn the corner, listen to the radio, or go to dinner without being reminded that there is a devastation within me so immense that the reverberations will go on for as long as I am breathing. I so badly want to be happy again. I want Ali back…a do-over. I have things that I need to say and places that I want to go with her. Sometimes in the back of my mind, I still imagine it possible and when the realization finally hits me… she is gone….she is gone… she is gone. It is like running head on into a speeding freight train. I never believed that Ali would die from cancer. I know that sounds ludicrous and naïve, but it is true, and when it became inevitable, I scrambled, trying to fit everything in—every conversation, every experience, every joy and even every sorrow. But, by the time that I realized it was really going to happen, she was barely able to communicate. Please, please let me start over. My heart is crying out, my mind betrays me, and my emotions are all on the surface. Head on into a freight train. If only that were true. Of Tribulation… I am jaded. Jaded toward thinking the best and happy endings. Jaded toward God. I don’t think that I’m angry, I don’t feel betrayed. I guess that I am skeptical…and filled with sarcasm. When I read the little blurbs on the signs in front of churches I immediately get defensive. "Life is short, death is sure, sin the cause, Christ the cure". "All things work together for good". Yadda, yadda, yadda… give me a break. How is it that I still believe? I still believe that God is good and that He loves me. I believe that He doesn’t want our hearts to break…even though sometimes He does nothing to stop it from happening. I guess it’s because deep down I believe that God must know something that I don’t or He could never profess His love and still take our children away from us. I still believe; and ironically, if I am to see Ali again, then I must believe. I guess that is life’s ultimate test. To trust in happy endings when life has dragged you through the mud. To still have faith when faith has let you down. It is possible that my sarcasm is misplaced. God, after all, never said it would be easy. Perhaps my sarcasm should be directed toward religion; a religion that leads us into believing that all of life’s problems can be solved with a witticism on a sign out front or by quoting a Bible verse and then slipping away. There was a time when I practiced it with great fervor. Disneyland Christianity… the happiest place on earth. If I had I sign it would say: Beware. This could be difficult. It could completely suck. If you are seeking equity, look elsewhere. The man over there, he is cruel. He lies, he cheats, he has no conscience. But, he will live to be ninety suffering nothing worse than a skinned knee. Yet, the girl you see in the picture, she lived her life with joy and goodness and died at 17 after battling a cruel and terrible illness. Perhaps, you will turn 44 and endure heartbreak beyond anything that you could ever imagine; you will beg and plead and fall on your knees crying… please, please let me start over…and your answer will be silence. Beware. This could be difficult. But, I am God. I am God and I guarantee you nothing. Nothing, except that I know something that you do not and you must trust me. That is all. Trust me. If I make it to Heaven then it is because I had to walk through hell on earth to get there. It will be because I still had faith even though my faith seemed to let me down. To be honest, all of this is of little consolation to me at this moment. It will not bring Ali back. My heart is still heavy with grief and I feel as if the pain may plow me under. Perhaps, it really doesn’t matter to God that I am jaded, sarcastic and barely hanging on. Maybe all He is interested in is that I trust Him in the moment. Maybe it really is all about the journey. I don’t know what God expects of me right now, but I do know this, if life were always easy, then our faith would be as trite as some catchy phrase on a misleading sign. |
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:41 pm)
This is the most honest thing I've ever read about God and pain.
Friend, whether you have something lighthearted to say or something from the weight of your heart, I'll listen.
I didn't know her, but I miss her too.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (6:41 pm)
I have never walked where you walk, the burning coals beneath your feet. But if I could be you for a day, I would, not only to give you that briefest of surcease, but to be reminded that my joys are fleeting, and the pain you bear only but a chance away from me.
I worry about what I write here, lest I say someting foolish or offend. I don't wish to do that. Only to let you know that your words are read, felt, and needed. Thank you for taking the time to share them.
posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (9:00 pm)
honestly, if i were in that situation and had a child sick with cancer i would never believe he/she would die either. Thats your faith..you had faith for something better for her, a cure a healing a touch from God. I know nothing i have to say at this point will be of any help to you so i wont. I kind of understand your sarcasm and skepticism. I have had those times. Just know that i will keep you in my prayers and will keep you in prayer requests at church also. That you will find comfort and peace. God Bless. I love you..i know that sounds strange coming from someone you dont know but afterall you are my sister in Christ. right. of course i hope i didnt upset you more..with my foolish way of choosing words.
posted by: aunt Jo ann (reply)
post date: 05.17.05 (8:26 am)
Lori, I think about you and Megan so often. Would that I could think of words, any words, to alleviate some of the pain you are feeling. I keep thinking , how unfair. If God is testing us with these tragedies you have certainly gone above and beyond. I love you.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 05.17.05 (1:40 pm)
No one expects you to shake off your sadness and your grief. It's yours to wear, Lori. It's yours to wear for as long as you need to and it needs to be with you at this time. Nothing else would be appropriate.
I suspect God is okay with you questioning and doubting. I suspect he is okay with you hurting and struggling to come to terms with why he brought her to him early. And he seems to be a rather smart fellow if he suspects your faith will endure and your goodness will reign.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (6:05 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
Billlyryan...I can't think of a nicer compliment. wish you were closer to this side of the map and we could have long talks over coffee. you could share your pictures from Australia and I would promise not to offer advice on anything. glad you stopped by.
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:08 pm)
Reply to: altricial
thank you for your kind words. I respite would be such a nice thing but I wouldn't wish it on anyone even for a day. it takes an awful lot to offend me...and as far as foolish... i can't imagine anything you would ever say could be foolish. you are thoughtful and kind and I appreciate it so much.
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:10 pm)
Reply to: grateful1
thank you for your prayers and your love. that's what keeps me going. :)
ps: you are much too hard on yourself.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:12 pm)
Reply to: aunt
thank you so much. I heard that you had an incredible anniversary. congratulations and I'm so happy for you guys... two of my favorite people in the entire world. i can't wait for our girls weekend. I love you and I don't know what I would have done without all of your love and support.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:16 pm)
Reply to: lindy
I used to tell Ali all the time that God was big enough for her to be angry with Him and let Him know it. I believe that. That's why I don't tiptoe around it. You always lift my spirits Lindy, thank you, and I mean it.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 05.18.05 (7:43 pm)
Well, if I ever do, please berate me accordingly and then forgive me. I would never mean to cause you pain.
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 05.19.05 (3:39 pm)
Reply to: LoriSchuster
I wish I was too friend. If I was you'd probably have to ask me to leave. I think in your company I'd find so much grace and honesty. Something I crave.
I bet I could share anything with you and have it safe.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.19.05 (5:44 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
I can't imagine I'd get tired of talking... i imagine our temperments are fairly similar... despite the fact that I am a romanticist and you are a cultural creative. :) I have to very strict personal rules... never judge and never betray a confidence. I used to tell my girls... he who gossips to you will gossip about you. anyway... maybe someday! it's a small world.
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 05.19.05 (5:50 pm)
Reply to: LoriSchuster
No one's ever told me about the gossip thing before! That's a cool thing to think about.
I feel like God smiles when I talk to you. Because he likes when I open my gift over and over....
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 05.22.05 (11:54 am)
You of all people have every right to be jaded, I don't know if I could be satisfied with jaded if I were in your shoes. I know I'd be mad as hell and probably make everyone around me miserable. I commend you for waking up every morning and living life.
Who wouldn't question God in your situation? I think he expects that, he knows we're not perfect and we don't understand the grand scheme of things were a loss like this is concerned. I pray for your comfort, I have faith it will come.
posted by: AHep (reply)
post date: 05.25.05 (3:39 pm)
My dearest friend,
When I read your writing, I feel like I am reading the Bridge to Terabithia over again. Except this time I'm in the story in some magical woods. It's like with ever word, I'm unwrapping a secret. It takes my breath away. Regarding this post, you almost make me want to go back to church. This is by far the highest compliment I can give you.
posted by: August (reply)
post date: 06.01.05 (7:19 pm)
I can't imagine what God expects of you right now either, but the mere fact that you acknowledge Him, you maintain your faith, and keep your promises to honor Him all account for something.
I can imagine at these moments He must be saying, "We're more alike than you think."
posted by: Carolyn E. (reply)
post date: 06.04.05 (2:48 am)
Lori, I haven't been in touch with you very much, but please know you and your family are on my mind most all the time. I can partially feel your painful heaviness as I have lost also, but somehow we do come to grips with the pain and learn to live with it. I guess our faith does a great deal to help us get thru, but as you, we do question why. Just know we all love you and pray for your peace of mind. Love to you and your family.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
