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| Home is where the Heart Is... |
| 05.10.05 (11:25 am) [edit] |
|
I am in the process of moving to Grand Rapids, Michigan where my goal is to begin a career as a food stylist. It is an idea that clicked, when nothing else seemed to. It combines everything that I am interested in and packages it into a job that I not only believe that I’ll do well in… but, will inspire me. It also means that, not only will I be living 1-1/2 hours closer to Craig, but we will be working together as well. This will be a new thing for us— proximity—but I believe that we are up for the challenge. The icing on the cake is that Megan is moving there to attend college. I’m excited about finding a cute little apartment in an old building downtown. I want to decorate it in a way that there is no question who lives there. I want a sanctuary. A place of my own. I need a place where every corner is not harboring a memory. A place to start over. As a means to that end, my house is up for sale. It is finished and looks beautiful. The sign is in the yard and the ad is in the paper. It is official. I cannot afford to live there any longer. Boxes are packed and waiting. I am waiting as well, but, in the meantime, I am spending most of my time in Michigan organizing the loft and getting ready to shoot our portfolio. I came home on Saturday and planted some flowers. I put weed-killer on the lawn…which means that in about 2 days there will be nothing left but dirt. It is the kind of yard that screams…a divorced woman lives here. I cleaned my car, including the pine needles that have been there since Christmas. The laundry is done, the cabinets are cleaned, I have survived mother’s day and now it is Monday and time to return to Michigan. My fresh-smelling car is loaded with boxes. I manage to fit in my computer, my IPOD, and a duffle bag with some clothes. CoCo is crying from the window above the drive-way. I take the long way around so that I can drive by the house and assess its curb appeal. A few minutes later, I am still parked in front of the house, but, find myself somewhere else. I continue down Third Street and cut over to Main. For some reason I took a right instead of a left and ended up back in my driveway. Sitting. I decide to take CoCo outside with me. It’s Iced Tea weather. Sitting on the steps, I look at the freshly mowed yard while CoCo bites my toes through my sandals.. The breeze is warm and blows my hair. It hides the tears which have begun to descend down my cheeks. It smells like every summer that I can remember being in this house. It smells like the summer when Ali rescued Rudy from the jaws of a Rotweiller only to be bitten herself or the night of Megan’s sweet 16 party when a large white tent took up nearly the entire yard. It smells like the wet dirt in my garden and freshly washed sheets. There is 140 years of history in this house and I am just a blip on a title search. How many others have shed a tear when they had to walk away from this place? My sadness in leaving is proportional to the joy that I found here. It hurts to constantly be reminded of what I have lost in this house but, it hurts even more to realize what I had here. This will be the last place that I have memories of Ali, Megan and I living together. When I hand over the key, someone else will walk… or perhaps trample carelessly into the room where my daughter died. They will not know that it is a place of reverence; a place where grief took up permanent residence in the hearts of everyone who passed through the door one dark and chilly night in March. Neither will they hear in the same way that I do, the echoes of laughter, the music of parties, the cars screeching out of the driveway, or the sound of paper ripping at Christmas. Like a fresh coat of paint on well-worn walls, the slate will be wiped clean. I know that when I pull away from 622 Third St. for the final time, my heart will grieve. There are things that I am taking away from here that will not fit in a box. I cannot imagine a place that will have impacted me more. I will take the memories of this house with me in the same way that I have taken Ali… crammed into every molecule of my soul. Many years from now, the things that fit in boxes will have long been lost and scattered, but the things stored in our souls will give us something lovely to talk about when we are finally together again. |
posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 05.10.05 (10:07 am)
Your words make me cry. I absolutely love they way you write, the way you make every memroy you have seem so real, well because it is real. I truly hope you find the place that you are looking for in Michigan. and that everything works out in your favor. God Bless..oh and i will be looking for a book written by you..one day!!I really think yuo would do well in that area also.
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 05.10.05 (5:02 pm)
I love your life. Happy, sad...full, new....I love it.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 05.11.05 (5:17 pm)
I sold my house today, Lori. My first one. I feel a grieving in me for walking away from the place where the last six years were manifested. It was my first real step toward independence after a lifetime of dependency on others. When I walked through the rooms for the last time several weeks ago, they too spoke to me and the movies played non stop. I saw the tears, the laughter, the board games, the meals, the fights, the memories flooded in faster than I could keep up. I sat on the front steps and questioned my desicion to leave it behind. Now I realize this too was supposed to happen.
I moved to a new city in January. Since then, two of my three precious kitties have perished due to illness and I can't for the life of me figure out what I did to facilitate this. My logical side tells me I did nothing, but my heart says otherwise in my grief. My cherished pets are on a much smaller scale in terms of loss. But I look at my girls and realize walking through this world without one or both of them would be the hardest thing to endure. And here you are, not only doing it, but inspiring so many around you with your strength and beauty. You may not feel very strong, but you are. If you could hear the way people speak of you... if you could hear how we look up to you and admire you. There will always be a sadness hanging in the air for every moment of joy you experience without precious Ali. But you have to believe that she is enjoying every one of those moments with you and Megan. I believe it as sure as there is air to breathe. I know you hear it all the time that she is with you, but I don't mean that her spirit is somehow carried with you, though I am sure it is. I mean I am sure she is with you. I am sure she is looking upon you much as she did when she sat across the table and ate dinner with you. You make me want to be a better person.
posted by: Diane Swihart (reply)
post date: 05.11.05 (5:19 pm)
Lori, my prayers continue to go out for you and Megan. I pray now as you find your apt and fix it up special. Maybe we will even meet up again at the Goodwill "Botique" scoping out the good finds :-). I want to keep in touch when you move. I am excited for you to start your new career! Best of luck to Megan in her schooling too.
Love and hugs,
Diane
posted by: alli (reply)
post date: 05.12.05 (7:51 pm)
Oh the memories that i have in that house, i can't even imagine yours.
I remember sleeping over watching friends, and the dvd would still be running when we woke up in the morning.
I remember climbing over the dog fence to get upstairs.
I remember ali's 16th party and how much fun that was.
I remember the conversations, and the laughter, and the time we spent in ali's room.
I remember one night when you had left the house, we invited boys over (when you had told us not too...haha.) and we got on the roof to spray them with water, but it backfired and they ended up locking us on the roof and spraying us with hoses. Oh your crazy daughter! haha.
So many good memories, and none will soon be forgotten.
Thanks for your writing it is beautiful.
I hope never to foget these things
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:28 pm)
Reply to: grateful1
Thank you once again for your kind words. I would love to write something as a tribute to Ali and her struggle... maybe someday... wouldn't that be something. I very much appreciate your encouragement.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:32 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
I could say the same thing to you. In fact, I will. I love your life. Happy, sad, full, new... and I will add...never boring. But, oh how lovely it would be to be bored just for a little bit. :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:45 pm)
Reply to: lindy
I don't know what to say. Your words brought me to tears... good tears, but tears. Thank you. Sometimes it takes such courage to get up doesn't it? To start over and try and be brave even when inside your heart is pounding. I am sorry about your kittens. I would be incredibly sad if something happened to CoCo. Thank you for your words about Ali. I know she is with us... it's just so hard not to be able to hug her. Congratulations on your house... I hope you are starting a whole new movie reel of memories.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:49 pm)
Reply to: Diane
Hi Diane. :) Maybe we will run into each other. It will be thrift shop furnished that is for certain. Thank you for your prayers. We are going to miss all of our wonderful friends here.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 05.15.05 (5:52 pm)
Reply to: alli
Alli, Alli. I was thinking about the water incident the other day. Coming home to find puddles in my kitchen and piles of wet towels... yet NOTHING happened. Or perhaps the time you almost caught my kitchen on fire...there was charred paper in the sink from some video you were making. I'm glad you have nice memories here... that's what it is all about. you are a sweetie!
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
