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| The Land of In-between. |
| 04.20.05 (1:12 am) [edit] |
|
I am living in the land of in-between; straddling a thin line between joy and sorrow, future and past, reality and denial. What seems true one minute does not the next and in an instant a sound, a smell, or a random thought can bring me to my knees in anguish. The land of in-between. A tightrope walk between living your life and somewhere deep in the back of your mind, wishing for death. It is the place where you dwell when you lose a child. In the land of in-between you are cloaked with the realization that remembering wears two faces. It is comforting yet painful and the irony is that while forgetting will never be an option—even if you could you would not want to. Over dinner last night, Megan made the comment that, no matter what happens in the future, it will always be accompanied by some amount of sadness. I know that she is right. There will still be love. There will still be laughter. There will be milestones and celebrations. But, our lives will always be clouded by a dull film… a yellow buildup of memories and reminders of things that will never come to pass. The image of a beautiful face that will never age. This, in a matter of speaking is my final resting place. I have gone through the memory box that I’ve been saving for when Ali grew up. I have read cards that she made me for my birthday and mother’s day. I have packed up her things. The sound of my footsteps against the hardwood floor is magnified by the emptiness. All of this was done with a profound sense of grief; yet, today while I was driving I suddenly panicked—I forgot to take Ali to get her bloodcounts! No. That is what it’s like to live in the land of in-between. Your mind cannot process the loss and so it plays tricks on you. You forget that they won’t be home for dinner. You will not hear their voice on the other end of the phone. Maybe you pause for a minute to get your bearings or sit on their bed and cry until there is nothing left. Maybe you eat a donut or pour yourself a large glass of wine. You get through how you can. It’s about survival…straddling the line. Life is a beautiful thing—even when it hurts. It is not my goal to simply survive. My eyes have already begun to adjust to the dull yellow film. I will just have to work harder. My heart is stronger for the pain. It is a fact that each day brings its own triumphs and tragedies. It’s a tightrope walk without a net. One foot in front of the other. How agile I will be when I am through. |
posted by: Sue in Toledo (reply)
post date: 04.20.05 (6:50 am)
I feel the need to respond here yet I'm not sure what to write. This made me cry and I feel your pain. I have looked thru the dull yellow film and know that it eventually lifts.
You are a strong person with a positive outlook and you will not only survive but will enjoy things again. I already detect acceptance in your writing and that is half the battle. Lots of people thinking of you and praying for you daily - so keep on with one foot in front of the other. It will take time and more time and more time but you'll get there eventually.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 04.20.05 (10:29 am)
You make a tight, hard spot in the pit of my stomach. I will hug my children longer today.
posted by: janewaywannabe (reply)
post date: 04.20.05 (11:42 am)
I'm glad you're writing again. I hope you had a fabulous time in Mexico! Won't you write about it like you did the Chicago trip?
The land of in-between; truely a disquieting place to be.
posted by: Jeremiah (reply)
post date: 04.20.05 (2:42 pm)
Oh...My...Gosh...you have got to write a book. Well...my friend is here and Ill talk to you online later or something. love you.
posted by: Alli H (reply)
post date: 04.20.05 (6:37 pm)
i know what you mean by being in-between...
I want to come see your newly decorated house, take you out to eat, and hear more about mexico!! Us girls will come take you out sometime. Send megan my love.
posted by: janewaywannabe (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (6:19 am)
I"ve been reading some of your 2004 archives. Funny, insightful stuff!!
You and I think alot alike.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:31 pm)
Reply to: Sue
thank you Sue... I actually find it amazing that I DO find enjoyment in things... it is just such a roller coaster. thank you for your kindness and support through all of this... it means so much.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:33 pm)
Reply to: altricial
hug and hug and hug. you are SUCH a good mom. when I read your blog it brings back so many memories of when my girls were young. thank you for that.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:36 pm)
Reply to: janewaywannabe
I do plan on writing about Mexico.. maybe tonight if my brain is at all working. Oh this house! I certainly hope all of these details help sell it quickly. Hope you are well... thank you for your caring spirit.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:38 pm)
Reply to: Jeremiah
jeremiah... you are SO sweet. since I first wrote for the "Snoopy News" at Raymer Elementary school in Toledo I wanted to be a writer. Of course I also wanted to be Laurie Partridge but that's a whole 'nother story! Talk to you soon Jeremiah. :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:40 pm)
Reply to: Alli
Alli... I would love that. Or maybe I will fix you dinner in my pretty updated kitchen! Miss you guys...
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (4:43 pm)
Reply to: janewaywannabe
thank you. I hope to get back to writing things that are a little lighter. It's a struggle between wanting to be optimistic (which I am) and not wanting to ignore what is going on in my heart. I'm glad that you liked them.
posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (6:34 pm)
I am crying and i have no words except God Bless you and comfort you especially on the hardest days.
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (8:30 pm)
It's said that "time heals all wounds" but no amount of healing will replace the emptiness, will it? Perhaps time will make the hurt lessen, this is my prayer for you. I am confident you will never forget, I just hope that remembering becomes less painful.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (9:56 pm)
Reply to: grateful1
There are good days and bad days... having such wonderful people standing by us has made all of the difference. You have been such an encouragement. Thank you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 04.22.05 (9:59 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree
I know that time will lessen the pain... I'm counting on it. I have decided to start writing about the positive things that are happening. Thank you for your kind words and your insight...
posted by: MacGyver Maniac (reply)
post date: 04.23.05 (6:32 am)
My mom told me what you said, and I would indeed be a privileged guy if you catered my graduation, if that's what you want to call it. I can't wait. Email me sometime.
Spurs22@msn.com
Peace, love, and Rock (lots of Rock)
posted by: AHep (reply)
post date: 04.24.05 (7:03 am)
You never cease to amaze me.
posted by: Stacey (reply)
post date: 04.24.05 (4:36 pm)
I just wanted to let you know that I'm here, still concerned/still caring. I don't have anything to say that is necessary or wise... just thought you should know I'm here.
posted by: melissa L. (reply)
post date: 04.29.05 (7:09 pm)
hey lori, i check this ever so often. i love your writting and i recently wrote a paper on my mom. You helped me get through some really tough times. I justw anted to say thank youa nd i still pray for you every night.
with love, melissa l.
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 05.01.05 (3:39 am)
Hellooooooo, it's been 10 days since we heard from you. I can't take that long inbetween your blogs. I know your busy, butttt. Love as always......
posted by: Liz N. (reply)
post date: 05.08.05 (4:54 pm)
Just when I think I'm alone in the anguish, alone in the tears, and alone in the fantastic memories, your words open up a different part of mourning for me. For this I thank You. If I didn't have these words, and somehow guidance, I would be a completely different and completey depressed person right now. Lori, you are quite an inspiration.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 05.11.05 (5:03 pm)
(((((((Lori))))))))
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
