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| An Easter Story. |
| 03.25.05 (10:09 pm) [edit] |
|
I’m lying in bed with one of those achy colds with chills and a cough. Caught it from my sister but I can’t get irritated because she was here peeling wallpaper and painting for me. There are a million things that I should be doing but I keep ending up back in bed with the heating pad and my trusty computer. It’s Easter weekend, although, it hardly feels that way. It snowed this morning and now it’s turned to a cold, beating rain. We don’t have a very good track record when it comes to holidays. We always seem to get bad news. Last Easter, we found out that Ali’s cancer was back. I remember her in the bathroom of the Ronald McDonald house in Rochester, throwing up and wailing. It was a sound that came from the center of her being, the place where the demons of your worst fears come to feast and fester, where there are no words, only groans and cries of anguish. It was a sound that I never want to hear again. I could not make a sound. She was looking for me to reassure her. I’m not superstitious. I don’t feel like God has it out for me, but, my innocence is gone. I no longer assume that it will turn out for the best… but I am always hopeful. Hope is a ladder that allows you to crawl out from even the darkest hole. Not until December 28th, did Ali ever see fear in my eyes. By then, we all understood that the ladder had been taken away. I haven’t thought about Easter. I haven’t thought about much. I am not used to making plans ahead of time. For two years everything has revolved around blood counts, hospitals and chemo and I can’t seem to break the habit. I wish that they still did, but that is a selfish thing to wish for. The rain is still coming down. CoCo has been sitting at the foot of my bed barking at the dishwasher running downstairs for about 45 minutes. It’s a new dishwasher. I bought it so that I could sell my house. I am starting to get attached to it but I’ve lived without one for five years. It just seemed simpler to wash them by hand. It reminds me of grandma Ellie’s house in summer, a breeze blowing through the window above the sink while the glasses lay upside down to dry on pretty cotton dishtowels. Remember when Easters were warm and little girls wore yellow dresses and a spring coat with white gloves and a hat? The Easter that I was nine, I wore a royal blue coat with white trim and a hat that looked like Juliette Mills’ in Nanny and the Professor. It seems like there was a time when everything was dainty and pretty; even dishtowels.It’s hard to imagine a time when a hat would be flattering on my round face. Maybe I was just braver then. This Easter, I will be wearing a parka or perhaps I will still be here, in my bed, with flannel pajama bottoms and a worn out blue T-shirt. Fashions change, but the message does not. ‘Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, He is risen.’ This has always been my favorite verse in the Bible. Jesus told them the grave would be empty but they didn’t understand. One night Ali told me she was afraid of being in the ground. I guess that she was looking for a ladder. I told her that she wouldn’t be in the ground, she would be walking again and making people that she hasn’t seen in a very long time, smile. God leaves the body for those of us left behind--so we understand. If people just started disappearing there would be all sorts of confusion. Her body would be left for us to grieve; but her soul would be for Him to delight in. This year, my hope is that there will be no more bad news. There will be no groaning or wailing. I put a dozen red roses on her grave, yesterday; but I have never felt that she was there. Why do you seek the living among the dead? She is not here, she is risen. |
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (3:12 am)
I just sent you an email on how i feel Ali is with gram and gramp and it comforts me. The thing i forgot was to put flowers on there grave, and i know how important it was to gram....this is another wonderful blog...on toledo tv they ask people who there favorite blogger was, and no one seemed to know what a blogger was....i wish they would have ask me.
posted by: Linda (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (4:09 am)
I think your blog is perfect, Ali is having a worry free Easter, she will never again be disappointed. I hope you have a nice Easter, I'm sure Ali is,I just have this feeling they really know how to have a Easter celebration up in heaven the hardest part is deciding what shoes she should wear. I love you
posted by: Lynx7 (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (11:42 am)
I hoped you liked the story thing I gave you...I know I did. It's probably how you were feeling.
Peace, love, and Rock (lots of Rock)
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (3:59 pm)
Your ladder is quite lovely, dear Lori.
posted by: janewaywannabe (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (5:45 pm)
Celebrate Easter if you can.
Celebrate Jesus being alive, therefore Ali is alive!
It smacks wrong, I know. It's not right that she couldn't finish growing up and enjoying the good things Earth has to offer. It's all wrong that there's sin in our world so things can't be the way they were meant to be. It's wrong that she died and it will never be right!
I know I'm not giving you new information but I'll say it anyway. If Jesus hadn't gone to the cross; her story would end here. But he did. And it doesn't.
It's hard to take our eyes off of the present and focus on something we've never seen. And who wants to go around dreaming of a seemingly ethereal afterlife anyway? We, of course, want to enjoy every minute of the here and now and it just plain sucks when we can't do that with the people we love. But...
Think about it. Think about it this Easter. You and Ali and your Grandma Ellie and all of us; we're going to spend eternity together! And no one there will ever deliver bad news to you again! We're going to share life together, every day forever, the real way. The way God meant for it to be in the beginning.
Make a timeline Lori. While you're stuck in bed get a peice of paper and draw a timeline. Make your time on earth very small. Fill in the rest with all of the things you picture you and Ali doing together once you're reunited.
There is a ladder. It is sturdy and solid and cannot be removed. It leads from where you're standing to your future with Ali. Because of Jesus that hope, that ladder, isn't going anywhere, amen? Amen! You have an appointment with everlasting joy. It sits written in the timeline of your existence. The only thing standing between you and the joy of reuniting with Ali is time.
I'm not saying get through this life as quickly as possible. I'm saying you're free to relax and enjoy this moment because what you want is secured. It's happening when that season arrives! You can't stop it if you try!
I imagine it's way down the road of the grieving process yet, but I wish you much peace. I'm sorry that this sickeningly wrong tragedy happened to you and to Ali.
Jodi
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 03.26.05 (6:54 pm)
I happened upon your site last week, looking for the lyrics of the song "Then all the world would be upside down". Hoo boy! Your world certainly IS upside down!
My dear sister, you write wonderfully! It will be your peace, I found it to be mine.
I too have had to release a little one to return to God. This was many years ago, when she was a toddler. Our situations are different, but such losses have their similarities. At the time I had encountered other people whose life as parents brought them to 'this side' of despair. They all told me that in their experience, it is true that time heals all wounds. It seemed then, as it still seems now, to me, that it is almost like a 'special club', those of us who have had children go on before us. When we discover each other, we look into each others eyes, no words need to pass. In just a look, our pain is shared, and we comfort each other with an understanding that no one else can have. (In fact, there are times I have confided to another of my little one's passing, and the look in the other's eyes tells me they know of my pain - I know before they tell me. And I have had others say the same when they were the first to confide.)
I wish I could share this look with you now, for there is comfort in it. There is comfort in knowing your cross is shared, and the burden eases a bit. I will tell you I have been crying with you, in the depth of the night when no one but God can hear. I share your pain as only a mother can. You are not alone.
19 years have passed since the death of my beautiful Allison Nicole through a 'freak accident' entailing her crib. She would have been 21 this past January. I will always miss her, and at times I cry. But I do have Peace. And I can tell you that time, thru the grace of God, will heal your wounds. Your Peace will come, in time. Grieve, grieve in any and all manners, let no one rob you of it. Months and years from now, you may come across those who will not understand and may tell you 'to get on with your life' (in so many words), but your grief will be yours for a lifetime. Only it will have a balance to it. It will not be so painful in time. Grieving your child is the right of a mother's love.
I have found comfort and strength thru the example of Mary, Jesus' mother. How her heart must have broken at the foot of the cross! Every Good Friday, I find strength in her example. To stay at the foot thru such a time! She did not want the man who nursed at her breast as a babe to be alone at his death. What love! How could she have been anywhere else, though it must have pained her heart beyond belief! We know Him as our savior, God incarnate, but he was also son of man, a mother's child.
Your Beloved Ali will always be with you. From your writings I can tell she is a part of the body of Christ. You can never be parted from her because of that.
You and Megan are in my prayers.
I am sorry this is such a long "comment" but I as a nonmember was unable to send you an e-mail.
With Love
Your sister in Christ
Paula from MN
p.s. plant a garden. There’s something about digging in the earth that is very healing at this time. Many a tear has been absorbed by the earth.
posted by: StaceyMahoney (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (11:02 am)
I love that verse too, and it resonates within me. I don't have anything to add or suggest. You are a beautiful person. I hope that I get the chance to stand beside Ali for at least one song when we're in heaven. Take your time getting better (and take your time with that cold too).
Your friend and sister
"I don’t feel like God has it out for me, but, my innocence is gone. I no longer assume that it will turn out for the best… but I am always hopeful." (THIS WAS FLAWLESS)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (2:30 pm)
Reply to: JAS
Yes, i know that she is. I'm sure Ellie is fine with the flowers... she's probably too busy fussing over something to notice. I love you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (2:35 pm)
Reply to: Linda
I'm sure that there is quite a party going on. Perhaps besides streets of gold and mansions... there are closets full of Manolo Blahniks.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (2:38 pm)
Reply to: Lynx7
hey Josh... yes I appreciated it very much thank you. He is a wonderful writer. It was very heartfelt. I think Megan will really like it too. thanks.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (2:46 pm)
Reply to: janewaywannabe
thank you for your words. i cannot imagine how horrible it would be to not believe we will be reunited. Thank you for the timeline idea... we will have a lot to catch up on. I really appreciate your caring and words of encouragement. I hope that you had a wonderful Easter.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (2:55 pm)
Reply to: Paula
I am so sorry. How horrible. I know what you mean... about the 'special club'. At the funeral home there were three other moms who have lost teenaged girls in the past two years (just from one tiny school). It is something that you cannot understand unless you experience it. But, you are right about the look. Your words meant a GREAT DEAL to me. They made me cry and gave me hope. I am glad that you have found peace. I do hope to have a garden... a wonderful idea. God bless you and I'm glad that you stumbled onto my blog.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (3:00 pm)
Reply to: StaceyMahoney
Stacey... thank you. there is something very real and no nonsense about this verse and takes on new meaning now. I am STILL sick in bed... Megan has been very sweet and brings me juice. :) she'll make a great nurse some day. Talk to you soon. Lori
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.27.05 (3:06 pm)
Reply to: altricial
Thank you. I often found myself floundering for what to say when faced with questions no mother ever wants to answer.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 03.28.05 (4:05 pm)
Lori, you and Ali help me cherish every moment I have that much more. She is doing wonderous things even now... at least, I think so.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.28.05 (5:08 pm)
Reply to: lindy
I believe she is doing wonderous things... hopefully designing some heavenly garment... I know that her impact on those that knew her will last for a very long time. I guess that my whole purpose for this blog was to express how important it is to enjoy life and cherish the time with those that you love. If I remind people of that once in a while... then i'll feel like I have accomplished something. thank you Lindy
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 03.28.05 (6:47 pm)
Ali is among the living, Lori. What an excellent writer you are. When I read this post floods of hospital memories came back to me. Unless you've lived that life you honestly can't imagine it. You are an inspiration to me.
posted by: smileupsidedown (reply)
post date: 03.28.05 (8:37 pm)
Hi,
I'm Steph, I was reading your blog and i feel terrible about what happened to Ali! She seemed like such a good person. You are a good person anyways. Hope you sumday ahev a good easter!
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
