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| The blinding light of mourning. |
| 03.13.05 (11:52 am) [edit] |
|
My mind is so cluttered. It is blurry. I cannot wrap my hands around the reality of what has happened. Have you ever had a dream where you are trying to do something but the sunlight is blinding you? You reach and you stumble, you duck and crouch, you try to shield your eyes but nothing helps and you are frozen in place. You cannot get from point A to point B because you are blinded by the light of morning. Mourning. For the most part I have been able to get up and carry on. Most days, I feel that I am doing very well. But then something creeps into my head…it slithers and hisses and pins me against the wall. Will you ever really understand the depth of this pain? All that we will share is in the past. I understand this rationally, but when I stop to actually consider it, it feels as though my heart is coming out my throat. I cannot breathe. Last night I had a dream that Ali was coming home from the hospital. She was still sick but walking. I said to her, Ali, it’s not the cancer--you are dying because you are not eating, if you start your metabolism moving again we’ll have more time. There it was…hope--cloaked in the safety of a dream. Hope for a reprieve, hope for a miracle, hope that I had been burying deep within myself for many months but could not say out loud. Too late now, but, I guess my psyche imagined it would be easier to get past the disappointment in a dream. In the blinding light of morning it wasn’t easier at all. Her room is still empty. It is too big…just like the cancer and she was my beacon. I couldn’t find her grave the other night… I was mixed up and I started to panic. I drove around and around until it was dark… apologizing to her for losing my way. It was too big. But, she can’t be my beacon any longer. It is her turn to rest. |
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 03.13.05 (7:05 pm)
Your beautiful, grieving heart....friend, there are no words from me. Just a statement bordering on exclamation: "Your beautiful, grieving heart."
posted by: Mr Ed (reply)
post date: 03.14.05 (12:01 pm)
I have nothing real to say, I'm not sure how anything I would say could help right now, so... I just wanted you to know that I am glad to see you writing again. Thanks for the blessing of your words and for continuing on the journey.
Thanks!
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 03.14.05 (12:14 pm)
It seems so small to tell you that you write beautifully.... blindingly... when I know that you would cut off your own hands to have nothing so poignant to write about...
posted by: janewaywannabe (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (11:07 am)
Just keep writing and expressing your pain. It's a healthy thing to do people are out here listening and praying.
We're also reevaluating life because of your story. I am committed anew to living in and making the most of every moment with my children. Living like each day may be the last. You and Ali reminded me to do that.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (6:13 pm)
thank you. it's been a very difficult week. i am learning that grief has many forms... but more about that later. we are getting by with a little help from our friends and the occasional margarita. hope you are feeling better.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (6:19 pm)
Reply to: Mr
I see her face in my mind all of the time. We really are being comforted so much by the thoughts and prayers of our friends... and so many people who we do not even know first hand. it has been overwhelming. thank you Ed for continuing to read and continuing to think about us.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (6:26 pm)
Reply to: altricial
so completely far away from small... your words mean so much to me. thank you and you are right... no price I wouldn't have paid to change the course of this.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.15.05 (6:30 pm)
Reply to: janewaywannabe
thank you so much. that has been one of my greatest lessons through all of this. the world will not collapse if my floor isn't swept today... but, how sad it would be to miss an opportunity to have a special moment with someone you care about. thank you for reading.
posted by: Carolyn (reply)
post date: 03.16.05 (11:47 pm)
I really do not know what to say, I can only say, my heart goes out to you. Please, keep writing, it is such an inspiration to all of us. Really makes us realize just how many blessings we all have. My love and prayers.
posted by: Sue in Toledo (reply)
post date: 03.17.05 (8:50 am)
There are no words. I can only imagine what you are going through, losing your best friend. Keep on writing. I think it not only helps you, but all of us as well.
posted by: AHep (reply)
post date: 03.19.05 (3:52 am)
Lori,
I am still teary-eyed from this entry. It is so pure and raw. It is almost as if you can lose yourself as you read. I know your dream of writing may not be at the forefront of your mind right now, but I hope it is still festering somewhere amidst all the "clutter" YOU MUST GET PUBLISHED! I shudder to think that such brutally honest, painful and witty writing may not be permanently bound.
I'm going to jump out of my normally stoic character for a moment to say that the "perfect circle" idea is both inspirational and challenging. Perhaps because I am so linear and, with every minor bump along my own road, I seem to get caught somewhere between point A and point B. Maybe that might explain why I can never seem to reach any destination. Everytime I read your writing I have more respect and awe for you. I love you! I never say I'm praying for you because those lines of communication have seemed so closed for awhile -- everytime someone says that I wonder if they really are praying. It seems like a sacrilege to break such a promise. Rest assured, you are in my mind and heart.
posted by: StaceyMahoney (reply)
post date: 03.19.05 (9:31 am)
Like many others, I don't have anything "meaningful" to contribute but I (and possibly they) just want you to know that someone is here.
Many of us have not been where you are, but we want you to know that we are here for you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.20.05 (6:28 pm)
Reply to: Carolyn
The outpouring of love has been overwhelming and more comforting than you will ever know. Thank you, Carolyn.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.20.05 (6:30 pm)
Reply to: Sue
Thank you Sue for your constant encouragement. I appreciate it so much.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.20.05 (6:35 pm)
Reply to: AHep
Ashley... I love you. That encompasses everything... my gratitude for your friendship, my appreciation for your humor, your sarcasm, your depth--your rebellious spirit :) ... all of it. You never cease to amaze me and you know how much I like that. Thank you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.20.05 (6:37 pm)
Reply to: StaceyMahoney
If you only knew how meaningful it was to have people that I have never even met in person take the time to encourage and inspire me. That to me is incredible. Thank you Stacey... because you always manage to do both.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
