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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
| The Circle. |
| 03.12.05 (1:41 pm) [edit] |
|
I woke up this morning to the sound of birds singing in the tree outside of my window. I kept my eyes closed for a while thinking that perhaps I slept through this darkest of winters and would wake to see shades of soft green resting on the landscape. Two young children were yelling back and forth and I realized, after a while, that they were building a snowman. I listened to them for a while until tears welled up in my eyes. I pictured two little girls in snowsuits, red-cheeked and giggling… their faces toward the sky catching snowflakes on their tongues. For a minute, I wished that I could start over. To know what I now know and raise my little girls all over again. It didn’t take me long to realize just how senseless that would be. There are certainly things that I would change, but I could never love them more than I do. I could not tell them more often. I could not touch them more, protect them more, have more parties, go to more places, or do more things that would have changed the reality of anything that is happening today. We imagine our lives as a movie of the week...with a clear beginning, middle and end. We have our cast of characters, we fill our lives with melodrama and suspense, and look forward to a happy ending. We plan, we fuss, we dream, we work our fingers to the bone, and build everything around the payoff at the end. We start to believe that life will happen in a particular way and we whine and complain when it doesn’t. And all the while, the clock is ticking, and we can’t hear it. I have had to stop myself several times this past week from living out Ali’s life in my imagination and then grieving over it. It is faulty thinking. It is wrong and it is painful. I need to change my frame of reference and reprogram my mind. For me to think that you cannot fit a lifetime into seventeen years is nonsense. Ali’s life is no longer an open-ended circle. It is complete. I held her as she took her first breath and I held her as she took her last. Everything between that time—the waking up, eating breakfast, playing in the sandbox, brushing her hair, losing her hair, dances, shopping, chemo, transfusions, gradecards, soccer games, sleepovers, every kiss and every cup of coffee--every laugh, every tear, every joy, and every sorrow--that is the scope of her life. There is nothing to be added or taken away. The miracle is that, for a time--much too short of a time--our circles intersected. We were part of each other. We share the faces and milestones that made our lives together uniquely our own. When I feel cheated, I need to remember that, every single day that we had together was a gift. We do not sign on to this life with the promise that it will be long or painless. Some stories just don’t have happy endings. Sometimes the miracle that we hope for, does not come. But, there are always miracles. Most of the time, they are found in the moment that has already passed. Life will come as it will. I miss my blonde haired girl. I miss her smell and the sound of her voice. I miss the way she brought a party to every room she entered. I did not wake to see shades of soft green resting on the landscape but I did have a vision of two red-faced, giggling girls catching snowflakes on their tongues. Throw away your script and improvise. Add everything and take nothing away. We are part of each other. That is the sanctity of a circle completed. |
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (11:03 am)
Oh My....
There's so much to learn...
How is Megan doing? Well I hope.
I think of Ali alot.
I think of you alot.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing what you've learned so far....
I can't imagine my life being any richer if you weren't in it.
Friend....
posted by: StaceyMahoney (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (6:25 pm)
"Sometimes the miracle that we hope for, does not come. But, there are always miracles. Most of the time, they are found in the moment that has already passed."
How true. Do you believe that sometimes we can appreciate miracles in the moment?
Lori, I am praying for you, that God bless you in the way He knows you need. Thank you for continuing to open your eyes, get out of bed, and carry on.
posted by: Drizella (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (6:54 pm)
You are so amazing Lori.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (7:26 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
Been thinking about you too... about the amazing things you will observe and share with us as you take off on a plane to Australia... don't leave anything out. Megan is doing alright. We went to look at apartments for when she starts school in the fall. Tonight, we had a very nice dinner out... complete with live Jazz and excellent conversation. We are going to Chicago next week for an overnight. So... we are hanging in there...trying to keep busy. Thank you for your kind words. If I start sounding like a closed-minded, know-it-all old woman--please, please stop me. Or perhaps that ship has already sailed. :) Have a restful Sunday.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (7:31 pm)
Reply to: StaceyMahoney
Stacey... I read your blog last night and wanted to respond but I was too tired to even type...I'm getting so old! I don't want to sound condescending, so don't take it that way... but I was SO proud of you for the strength that you have shown. Good for you. Yes, I think that we can find the miracle in the moment... but only if we slow down and have our eyes open to the beauty in simple things. Hope we can "talk" soon. :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.12.05 (7:35 pm)
Reply to: Drizella
You are very sweet (yes, that is true). I don't feel amazing... I feel like I have all of these things bouncing around that I don't understand...this is my way of sorting through it. You are so nice to keep reading. I got your card. Thank you... it meant a lot.
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 03.13.05 (6:59 pm)
Reply to: LoriSchuster
For you friend, nothing will be left out.
Please tell Megan that someone here is thinking of her. I think she's an amazing girl and I'm so sorry for her broken heart.
No matter what you have to say friend, I'll always listen.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 03.14.05 (12:12 pm)
A perfect circle.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
