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| Twenty-six months of winter. |
| 02.16.05 (10:54 pm) [edit] |
|
"To keep our faces toward change, and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate, is strength undefeatable." Helen Keller. The black, white, and gray of winter has seeped in under the doorways and is permeating the house like dense fog. Occasionally, a splash of color will pierce the status quo… a bouquet of red tulips or a foil wrapped piece of candy. I long for Spring; for green and the smell of hyacinth. I long for resurrection. I have been travelling this route through Purgatory for over 26 months. I have learned that just because the road you traveled was long, dark and fraught with danger does not guarantee that the next phase of the journey will find you skipping through a field of daisies. Sometimes, the most difficult roads to get through are not those that you anticipate. For me, the most challenging roads are not where the grade is steep or the terrain is rocky, but the road that goes on for miles, flat and unchanging. Death has its own agenda. It will not be slowed down any more than it will be rushed. It plays tricks on your mind and tortures you with its uncertainty. In a frenzy you attempt to gather all of your moments and your memories; like trying to save precious photographs from a fire. I love you. I love you. I love you. A few nights ago Ali woke up and didn’t know me. She thought I was trying to kill her and tried to flee the bed… even though she cannot stand by herself. I had to pull her back in as she repeatedly punched my face and screamed for help. The next day she remembered and apologized, ending with, "I love you, mama". As I looked deeply into her eyes, I realized that while I have been busy mourning the Ali that I see bright eyed and smiling in photographs, I have not fully appreciated the Alison lying in front of me. An innocent, vulnerable, child-like Ali who is fighting for her very life, yet, still has not lost her empathy or sense of humor. I was challenged by a road that I thought to be flat and unchanging, but, I was wrong. The road was changing, just not in the direction that I was looking for. Sometimes when life disappoints us we let the gray seep in and stop looking for strands of color. By mourning what wasn’t I failed to see the beauty in what I had in front of me. We had a good night tonight. We laughed together… Ali, Megan and I. It wasn’t like it used to be… but still, it was a burst of color on a very dark night in February. I know that the time is coming when my mourning will be profound and justified. I am terrified of going there, but I have no choice. I love you. I love you. I love you. I have endured twenty-six months of winter. Spring can’t be too far away. |
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 02.16.05 (8:33 pm)
You write amazingly beautiful words about an amazing girl.
posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 02.16.05 (9:10 pm)
this is so very beautiful. i am crying. i will have to remember the lesson here to not look for what i might want and how i want things to be but how they are and the beauty in it!God Bless!!you all are strong!
posted by: grateful1 (reply)
post date: 02.16.05 (9:11 pm)
maybe that didnt sound right, i'm sorry.
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:21 am)
Lori, I want the world to know how proud of you I am. You are the BEST mom in the whole world. I am a whimp next to you. And Meggie I couldn't ask for a better sister to Ali if I picked her out myself. I am so proud of both of you, for the way you are taking care of my darling granddaughter Ali. She is so Blessed to have you both......i love U......your mom, and granny judy
posted by: DianeSwihart (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (5:30 am)
Lori, your words are so inspiring in the face of all you are going through. A big hug goes out from me to you and your family. Joshua 1:9
posted by: Sue in Toledo (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (5:44 am)
Lori, I think of you and your family on a daily basis and pray for you all. Another beautiful story with yet another positive note. You are truly amazing.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:45 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
that is the difficulty... to have such a short time with someone so amazing. thank you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:47 pm)
Reply to: grateful1
Thank you so much for your words and your heartfelt thoughts... you said absolutely nothing that could be taken the wrong way. It's nice of you to read and comment.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:48 pm)
Reply to: JAS
Thank you mom... I inherited good genes :)
I will agree... Megan is simply amazing and I have never been more proud of her. She is a remarkable young woman. Love you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:50 pm)
Reply to: DianeSwihart
A hug back to you guys...we have appreciated your prayers and thoughtfulness. thank you for the cookies by the way... you make the best snickerdoodles! my hips thank you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (4:53 pm)
Reply to: Sue
I really want to thank you Sue, not only for reading but for always being so kind and encouraging. I appreciate it very much. When I was going through photos I found one of the girls (Megan, Ali and Whitney) on mom's deck dressed up as Pirates--very funny-- seems like a million years ago. Thank you again.
posted by: camille (reply)
post date: 02.17.05 (9:29 pm)
God bless you all. Thoughts and prayers with you.
posted by: Drizella (reply)
post date: 02.18.05 (8:47 pm)
A friend of ours had cancer and it traveled to his brain and made him forget who his family was at times. He also had dimensia and hysteria. He's since passed, a couple of years ago.
posted by: CaroleLende (reply)
post date: 02.19.05 (6:20 am)
Lori
Craig told us about your blog. Your writing and insights, and the love and security which you have provided your daughters with are awesome.
Winter is about survival and through your writing you've created a path for others. Thanks for sharing. Love to you and your girls. Carole
posted by: Stacey (reply)
post date: 02.20.05 (3:54 pm)
Wow. These words particularly resonate in me:
"For me, the most challenging roads are not where the grade is steep or the terrain is rocky, but the road that goes on for miles, flat and unchanging."
It amazes me that you saw color in the moment right before you, although you had not acknowledged it before. On Oprah (I know this sounds very superficial but hear me out) a woman talked about surviving a huge tragedy and finding "a new normal" in her life. You speak of it here. God hears you. We care for you. I will continue to pray. Bless you.
Psalm 40
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.24.05 (3:13 pm)
Reply to: camille
Thank you Camille. It is so nice to hear from you. Hope your family is doing wonderfully! Love, Lori
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.24.05 (3:15 pm)
Reply to: Drizella
It's a terrible disease... the way it ravages the body and the spirit. hard to watch. thanks for reading.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.24.05 (3:29 pm)
Reply to: CaroleLende
Carole, it was so nice to hear from you. Thank you for your comforting thoughts and your words. It has been such a heartbreaking time. Your family has been so kind and welcomed me so warmly. I appreciate that very much and I really am looking forward to knowing all of you better as time goes on. Thank you for thinking about us. Lori
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.24.05 (3:33 pm)
Reply to: Stacey
Stacey... thank you. You are an amazing and wonderful person. I always like to see your name on the page. There is definitely a new normal... has been for two years... and it will change again. Keeps me on my toes, I suppose... you know... a rolling stone gathers no moss. Hope you are taking care of STACEY. Love, Lori
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
