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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
| Two rolls of duct tape and a partridge in a pear tree... |
| 11.29.04 (6:41 pm) [edit] |
|
Well, the holiday season is upon us and I am fearful. Time to deck the halls, the porch and the tree. Time to shop, chop, wrap and bake. All of this to do and I am frozen with indecision. It’s the most wonderful time of the year and my seasonal icon… my decorating diva and garnishing guru has hung up her potholders and is currently somebody’s bitch in prison. Martha, how could you? And really, what was that judge thinking? Throwing Martha in the slammer before the holidays is like taking away Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve. But, instead of a million crying children, there are a million domestically challenged women standing around weeping over an unopened bag of fresh cranberries, some pipe-cleaners and a can of gold spray-paint. Come on admit it… you hated her… but you couldn’t stop watching. You ridiculed her grandiose ideas and despised her smug, know-it-all demeanor… but every night when you crawled into bed—you wished that you had taken the time to hand embroider your family tree at the top of your Egyptian cotton sheets. When I think about the years I devoted to that woman. Pouring over magazines, ripping out recipes, collecting everything from antique linens to celebrity cigarette butts…AND LOVING IT! I was the queen of the home improvement project. Armed with only duct tape and a staple gun there were no projects too big to conquer in a weekend. I had no fear. Make a 19th century train station out of cardboard? No Problem. Make a banquet tent out of PVC pipe and tuille netting? How big do you want it? If Martha could do it then so could I. Martha raised the bar and set the standard. If there was a way to take an enjoyable task and turn it into a drawn out, stress-filled, expensive holiday nightmare… she had the recipe. Red frosted sugar cookies at Christmas? Hell no! My Christmas cookies would have a stained glass pattern that was an exact replica of the windows at Notre Dame Cathedral. "You! Child! Get that cookie out of your mouth this instant! What can you possibly be thinking—It took me two hours and twelve dollars worth of food coloring to decorate that cookie. Now go get a Chips Ahoy and I’ll pretend this never happened". Buy a pre-made wreath for $12…are you kidding? And have everyone know that it is not a one of a kind frivolity in foliage…an expression of the latent botanist inside of me dying to get out? I don’t think so. No, Martha taught me that I should gather the boxwood from the left quadrant of the garden and the holly from the right. Then with diligence, trim the spruce with specially serrated scissors so I do not tear the delicate stem. I wrap each piece with wire and hook it to the form using an age-old pattern that originated with one of the royal families of Norway. Then, so that I don’t distract from the beauty of the pine boughs, I will touch up the Heavenly Alabaster White paint on my front door and hang the wreath on a sterling silver hook which I have hand-polished with a chamois cloth and the spit of a yak found only in the foothills near Tibet. Ah, yes, the joys of yak spit. But that was then. Now it is Christmas, 2004 and I still haven’t cleared away the corn stalks from Halloween. My pumpkins have black spots and are imploding. There were no cornucopias for Thanksgiving… just a banana and a can of Mexican corn. My boxes of ornaments are gathering dust in a corner. The lights sit idle. My tree has no theme. I have hit bottom. To my children, I apologize that, for the first time in thirteen years I will not be sculpting the city of Bethlehem out of a stick of butter. Nor will I be making musical cupcakes for you to share in class. And the days of slaughtering the cow for our Christmas dinner… gone, little girls, all gone. The spirit of Christmas past has left me. Prison is too good for you, little Miss Martha. You deserve a life filled with chipped beef on toast. You are responsible for spiraling an entire generation of women down a dark road toward insanity… competing over centerpieces, birthday parties and stuffing recipes. We clawed our way up the domestic ladder… spurred on by rave reviews, compliments, oohs and ahhs. And for what? The wicked fall back into a world of mushy pumpkins and a store bought roast beef? God help us. I don’t feel sorry for you, Martha… with your millions of dollars and your striped jump suit. I feel sorry for sweet, Paula Tidwell, in Lincoln, Nebraska who, without a source of creative direction, passed out while attempting to stuff a turkey with a box of Velveeta Shells and Cheese and cinnamon-coated macadamia nuts, leaving her family to eat a lukewarm can of Beefaroni and frozen pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving Dinner. Let me ask you Martha, is that ‘a good thing’? It’s time to wake up and smell the unflavored generic coffee. Perhaps now, we can all get back to the business of living. We can hang up the skill saw and calligraphy pen, the French Press and the Cuisinart. Put down the cranberries and spray paint, ladies… and dry your eyes…with a hand-tinted heirloom tea towel if you must… but, let’s get back to our lives of peaceful mediocrity. With the time I save on etching Shakespeare sonnets into my drinking glasses I can read a book or catch up on my television viewing... Oh for crying out loud…..what in the world is Queer Eye? Oh, wow… would you look at that centerpiece? That is gorgeous! Gosh, I LOVE those guys. Heck, I could do that…I just need…Megan, get me a bag of cranberries, some pipe cleaners, gold spray paint…and the duct tape…stat! |
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (2:38 am)
Oh Gosh, I can't stop laughing.....I told you Erma, get published......
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (3:23 am)
Reply to: JAS
Thanks mom. :) I love you.
posted by: hippychilde (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (6:23 am)
OMG.... and here I was wondering why I wasn't getting the holiday spirt...
posted by: shoplove (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (8:51 am)
lol lol lol oh i know too well the horror of a marthaless christmas! i cannot even get 1 small dinner for friends together. she should get a blog and preach to the masses from the big house. i need holiday recipes!
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (9:27 am)
Reply to: hippychilde
i kept thinking it was the lack of snow but, i don't think so. :) Thanks for dropping by.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (2:48 pm)
Reply to: shoplove
lol. I feel your pain. :) The last time that I had people over for dinner I made them pull their own silverware out of the drawer... unspeakable. glad you stopped by... too bad we can't discuss this over a cup of coffee.
posted by: AugustDC (reply)
post date: 11.30.04 (7:46 pm)
LOL!! HILARIOUS
Regretfully, I didn't get into Martha into 2003, but it was too late then. *sigh* I guess it's the library for me.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 12.01.04 (5:21 pm)
Reply to: AugustDC
The books are a good idea August... then you don't have to look at her smug face chiding you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 12.02.04 (3:41 pm)
Reply to: Anastacia
Martha and I aren't as close as I let on. I have this nasty competitive streak and she actually brought out the worst in me. Glad you liked it.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 12.03.04 (11:19 am)
Reply to: kurtmaddox
wow...thank you, Kurt. Made my day. As far as the reading goes... turnabout is fair play... Ayn Rand... I'm in way over my head!
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
