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| Break-up with Kenneth Cole |
| 10.04.04 (11:53 pm) [edit] |
|
"We used to shop at all of the finest stores Aunt Lori and now you’re telling me that you can’t even afford the half price sale at Goodwill?" – Jenson Strock (11), niece, philosopher and fashion maven. There you have it…my unsavory financial picture; as defined by a northern Ohio debutante wanna-be. Damned if she wasn’t right though. Not only did we once shop at the finest stores; but, we accessorized and weren’t ashamed of it. True, I once enjoyed the occasional Ann Taylor or Kenneth Cole but we parted ways shortly after circumstances left me stranded in the financial equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle. Divorce, suddenly returning to the work force after 17 years as a stay-at-home mom, and Alison’s illness converged almost simultaneously. While I was concentrating on not being overcome by the waves, the undertow knocked my feet out from under me and I found myself dog paddling to stay afloat. If this chapter of my life had a title it would be "Exit gold card; enter humility". I won’t get into details on the many factors that contributed to the undertow. No complicated economic concepts at work, just life. Did you know that they actually shut off your utilities if you can’t pay your bill? So help me God. And if you think that you can schmooze your way into keeping your clean, reliable gas heat… save the banter for your next traffic ticket because they aren’t listening. Imagine, for instance, that your daughter cleans the dining room (amusing, I know—but let your mind wander there). In an effort to expedite the cleaning process she places a large pile of mail into a drawer in the living room. This is not just any drawer. This is the drawer, where you will find tubes of old lipstick in colors that would be offensive to your average hooker, Tupperware lids and blender warranties, old zippers, expired coupons, dead batteries, plant seeds, an empty box of pop tarts, cords that don’t have appliances and appliances that don’t have cords, dental floss, tattered white envelopes containing precious baby teeth recovered by the tooth fairy and pictures of your ex-mother-in law. Somewhere in this organizational nightmare lies the shut off notice for my phone-- which I don’t find out about until my best friend (the one who still wears Ann Taylor) calls me at work. I probably could have reacted more graciously but, I still hadn’t gotten over the loss of my cell phone; which was shut off the previous week after much soul searching revealed it to be a wiser choice than living without gas or electricity. Despite my irritation, a temporary respite from the incessant ringing of telephones sounded like an appealing notion. My only concern was that in case of emergency we would be unable to order a pizza. Hours later, a dark cloud descended on my home as I gathered the girls together and broke the news. I was greeted with rather blank looks and I knew that it had never occurred to them that someone actually had to pay money in order for the phone to work. Alison, always the optimist, headed toward the stairs and was surprisingly calm. "Well," she said, "at least we have the Internet". At about stair number three the realization hit her. While Megan and I bowed our heads, a mournful cry of "Noooo!!!" resonated from the kitchen. A few days later, with the telephone disaster under control and our house back to a normal level of chaos, I returned home from work elated to spend a peaceful afternoon in my garden. I turned on the hose anticipating the familiar smell of damp dirt and summer flowers. What I did not anticipate was the three drops that actually came out and then a vast quantity of nothing. How long I stood there waiting for water I do not know. I vaguely remember untangling the hose and waiting some more before I sat down on the back porch and cried. Unfortunately, the lack of water was the least of my worries. To access the shut-off valve in my front yard they had to dig a small hole. They used the same valve to turn the water back on, however, the exposed pipe developed a leak. By the time that they fixed the leak I had a hole in my front yard that measured eight feet in diameter and six feet deep. It took their crews two days to fix it; all for a $30 water bill which was sitting in a drawer under an empty box of Pop-tarts and a not so flattering picture of grandma. For the moment, all of our utilities are functioning… with the exception of cable. Its demise came one summer afternoon while Megan was lying in the sun. She called me at work to give me the heads up. "Mom, I think that they’re disconnecting our cable". Always one to think on my feet I quickly said, "Megan, do you think it might help if you flashed them?" "I’m pretty sure, no, mom" she answered, as if the idea was completely without merit. "Then just let it go," I said, "just let it go". Despite all of the events of the past year, I am content in this place. I have simplified. It is my new beginning and the feeling of coming home is comfortable and familiar like an old pair of jeans or an over-stuffed chair. I am glad that our big house in a sub-division has been abandoned in favor of a 137-year-old house in a city neighborhood where I am reminded of my childhood. I grew up in a time and place where life was modest and unassuming. Most of our clothes were sewn by mom or grandma and we often wore hand me downs-- except for me because I am the oldest, thank God. Who in their right mind wants to wear their sister’s old clothes? Vacations were limited to camping and restaurant visits were rare. We dined on salmon patties, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, fried liver with onions and Hungarian goulash. The thing is I rather enjoyed the goulash and I don’t mind that I don’t shop at the finest stores anymore. I’m not embarrassed that my teenage daughters have seen me shop at Goodwill or have had to do without cable. We cheat our children by giving them more and requiring less. It robs them of having to make choices and waiting while they work to make them come to fruition. If your son is driving a BMW to school at 17 he will never know the humble feeling of being seen behind the wheel of a car that is held together with duct tape and Sierra Club bumper stickers. Contentment is a by-product of humility. When you have lain awake at night praying for a way to buy formula and diapers or sold your furniture to pay for groceries; it seems pretty silly to cry over a break up with Kenneth Cole. |
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 10.05.04 (8:57 am)
I love this one!
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 10.06.04 (9:10 am)
You will be the next Erma Bombeck. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time......
posted by: AugustDC (reply)
post date: 10.18.04 (3:14 am)
Love your blog. You are a good mom and a thoughtful person. I have a question though? Why aren't you published? Ever think of sending these entries to Oprah, Readers' Digest, etc? You are just way too talented of a non-fiction writer to not at least try.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 10.20.04 (10:21 pm)
Reply to: AugustDC
What is that saying? from your lips to God's ear :) I've been thinking about sending things here and there... so it was very nice to read your comment. thank you for your encouragement.
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 09.24.06 (6:25 am)
awesome !
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
