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| Rush Street. |
| 10.06.06 (10:49 am) [edit] |
|
Megan sent me a forward the other day about the “Five Levels of Hangovers”. I’m not big on ‘forwards’ but, when your child is 21, any type of communication that doesn’t involve a request for cash is appreciated. I sat there staring at the computer screen for a while, picturing a toothless seven-year-old slurping up margaritas and trying to account for the 14 years that now eluded me. I’m not good at any kind of math that involves me getting older. It’s difficult to adjust to your new role in the lives of your adult children. It’s hard to find a balance between being a friend and a parent. Rooming together last year was a nice transition but, still, the boundaries are blurry. I try to keep my mouth shut, but it is not my nature. I am really good about it with the exception of her safety; this is especially difficult to master because I have already lost a child. I have made a serious effort not to be clingy or make her suffer the weight of any of my fears but, there are times when that is easier said than done. Sometimes things just come out of my mouth like I am Linda Blair in the Exorcist. I promised her two weeks ago that I would stop ending every conversation with ‘please don’t drive drunk’ and have quit telling her horror stories of young people who have met with tragic ends. One, she gets it and two, she’s going to do what she damn well pleases…just like I did. So far I have not broken my promise. I’ve come close, one day I said, “don’t&hellip ;” and stopped. “Yes, mother???” answers smug daughter. “Don’t forget how much I love you…” “Ah huh…” She asked me to go to Chicago with her and her two friends to celebrate her 21st birthday so she must not have considered me to be too horrific. For a week I was wondered how I was going to stay up all night partying…or pretending to party…but decided to cross that bridge when I came to it. I met them at the train station in South Bend. The train leaves exactly on time. Five minutes to go when her dad drops them off and they still have a distance to walk. I had their tickets with me so I began to motion for them to hurry. They took a few steps and stopped to smoke. Are you kidding me Megan? I’m not sure if I yelled, “hey dumbass” or if I was merely thinking it very loudly. They sat down with literally seconds to spare. Megan had on dark glasses and her hair was all matted. The other two didn’t look much better. Apparently, the party started at midnight the night before. We spent our afternoon shopping and my gift to her was three hours at a day spa so she could be pampered and have her make-up done for her night on the town. To Megan her birthday is not just a birthday…but, a national holiday and she announced it to everyone from the conductor on the train to the bouncer at the bar…and all warm bodies in between. It’s odd to go to a nightclub with your daughter and extremely disturbing to see men staring at her breasts and refrain from smacking them. I had to define the term “smarmy” for her and I must say I was shocked to see that there was a population of people for whom Disco was clearly not dead. The only ‘motherly’ thing that I did was to take her beer back up to the bartender because something on the bottom was causing it to fizz like alkeselzer. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t some new sort of ruffie—which I didn’t mention to the girls or the bartender. When the next one did the same thing, we decided that it was because they froze the glasses and there was a chunk of ice on the bottom—so, that was kind of embarrassing—but, hey, you can’t be too careful. At 1:00, they were done…still suffering from the previous night’s hangover. I must say, that as we walked down a bustling Rush Street toward the hotel, I was a little disappointed that they were such lightweights. I don’t want to spend weekends in bars with my daughter. I think that’s a little too Jerry Springer for me, but, it was nice that she wanted me along for her special day. I’m looking forward to our times together as adults—as friends. I know that as two equally strong-willed personalities it’s not going to be a piece of cake, but, I will try and keep my mouth shut unless I’m asked and I will try and keep better track of the years as they whirl past me. |
posted by: fractalmom (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (9:17 am)
Lori, that sounds all too familiar LOL. My oldest is now 29 (ugh) happily married and a mother, but I certainly do remember when she turned 21 and I played Wild World by Cat Stevens and cried and cried for hours. Then, I too went out and celebrated her 21st with her. How weird it is to see your adult child in a bar, and yes, the predators really get the 'mom' in us up in arms. I remember when she was away at college, I absolutely COULD NOT watch anything on TV that had any part of a college girl in any type of distress whatsoever. My logical mind could handle it, my subconscious could not and I would be plagued for days with nightmares and end up calling her apt at 3 am to see if she was okay. How embarrasing ! Still, we both survived the experience. Now the greatest hurdle is NOT giving advice when she calls and asks for it, it is time for her to make her own decisions with her husband.
Hang in there, you are doing great!
dawn
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (11:45 am)
I read this post before going to lunch today and have been thinking a lot about your situation. I can't imagine how hard it would be to 'let go' and forge that adult relationship with your daughter after losing Alison. I can honestly say I fear I would smother my surviving child in that situation. Megan probably doesn't even realize what a gem of a Mom you really are now--no, at 21 I'm sure she doesn't, lol. But I think you're handling things great too! You have to be there for her but she's a grown-up now, she's got to make all the same stupid mistakes the rest of us did :)
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (4:07 pm)
My daughter and I are at a different place in our relationship even though she is going to 24 later this month, but I have to fight against worrying myself silly.
But then she does too.
Our situation lends itself to so many fears , and we try real hard not to let the fear of the unknown overwhelm us.
I know that my parents to this day struggle with the concept that I am an adult of over 40...
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (5:49 pm)
Reply to: fractalmom
Hey Dawn... I know. I know. :( I did a video thingy (technical term) of my girls and put it to the Wild World song. Sob city. I usually only offer advice when she asks but, it's oh so hard to just stand by and watch! You have had your hands full as a mom--and not only are you sane, but cheerful! I admire you greatly.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (5:57 pm)
Reply to: FinalyFree Thank you. You are very sweet. I struggled with the same thing when Ali was sick but forced myself to let her go and be a teenager and not cling to her or force her to stay home. Maybe that made it easier with Megan...but as much as I am fearless about everything else and as much as I know I have NO control over life--letting go and hoping for the best is very hard. You don't comprehend how much you will love those babies do you??? Then we're just supposed to turn it off the hovering at 21? Who made up that rule? :)
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.06.06 (6:02 pm)
Reply to: apyjo
Oh April...I can't imagine. Really. It is much different to lose someone to violence. I can see how it would be very difficult for both of you. I'm sure it will lessen with time. Hope you have a great trip and lots of wonderful memories. I had a similar experience with my mom worrying this week. I had to point out that I was 45 and 8:00 p.m. really wasn't all that late for me to make the 1/2 hour drive home. :) Take care April.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (1:44 am)
i dont know !!! coz viewing it through a blog, i think you need to give her more space.....what i feel (through your writings) is that you have become more possessive, caring more than needed.(though i understand it is obvious after Ali). have you ever tried to ask Megan how she feels about you and your behaviour as a mom ?
posted by: bronwynj (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (5:50 am)
I can almost relate to some of this, you're a few years ahead of me. I'm thankful my teenage daughter has been studying a martial art for years, at least it gives her a fighting chance if attacked.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (6:01 am)
Reply to: 69whisper
Obviously, I could be all wrong, but, honestly, I have given her lots of space I think. She lives in another state for one. When she lived with me, I was actually bailing her out because her roommate backed out at the last minute (my plan was to get my own 'pad' :) but, I'm happy we had the time. She calls me sometimes twice a day just to say hello. I never give her advice--unless she asks and I don't lecture her about her choices. As far as Chicago...I asked her about twenty times 'are you sure you want your mom along'??? and she was the one who brought up the thing in her drink...she just didn't want to ask the bartender because she thought he was cute (and I didn't want to admit that I thought it might be a 'drug') what a dork. I was exaggerating about the drinking and driving thing although I did end lots of conversations that was...but it was the one thing that I am nervous about and when I realized how annoying it must have sounded, I stopped. Internally I am definitely more possessive because I can't help it...but, I don't think that I let that out on the outside. I hope not. If something I do pisses her off she tells me...in no uncertain terms. I don't know either!!!! :) but, she can certainly comment here and clear it up.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (10:21 am)
okay lets wait for her comment. do let me know when she does as i dont know her nick here. thanx
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (11:38 am)
Lori,
You're a good Mom, you owe nobody an explanation!
Everytime one of my children walk out the door, I say.."I love you, be careful" My Mom did/does it to me too.
I *usually* stay awake until my son is in the door at night and then say a prayer to thank God that he arrived safely. I constantly preach about the affects of drunk driving, especially after my youngest daughter was seriously injured by a DD. It happens. My oldest daughter, 23, is a bartender and loves to party....ugh, I worry about her too. Like you, my two oldest don't live at home anymore but, that does not stop me from worrying. I think most loving Mothers worry about thier children thier whole lives. Isn't that the definition of motherhood???
I'm betting Megan thanks her lucky stars to have you as her Mom!
Love, Doe
posted by: SupremeAnna (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (11:40 am)
To be honest, as a daughter, I *like* hearing everything my mom has to say. I may not always agree with her, and I might say so, but truthfully, I cherish her outlook. I mean, she's my *mother*, she knows me better than anyone can ever hope to and she loves more. What more do you need in an advisor? I think all daughters feel the same way - no matter how old we get, or what we might say, your opinions MATTERS to us, whether it's on something small like a dress or something big like the guy we want to marry. Having said that, yeah, now that I'm older, I see that my relationship with my mother has changed. I see myself as an adult, and it's nice that she treats me like one. I think you're doing right, by holding off on everything but her safety. Shows you respect and trust her, and I think it's important for every daughter to have that from her mom. It helps us be better women if we know the most important woman in our life approves of us. Just my two cents :)
posted by: Cutter (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (12:04 pm)
How dare a person suggest that a mother who has lost one of her children, and is still trying to heal from the loss, give her other child "more space"?
REALLY F-ING COLD.
Wish more people would actually read blogs before posting comments.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (12:10 pm)
I've never been a Mother, so a lot of this is probably way over my head, but I am the parent of a 26 year old daughter (and a 28 year old son, but boys are easy, mostly because they rarely get pregnant and no one is looking at THEIR breasts, and hell who needs to slip a guy a roofie?) and I worry about her every day. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd lock her up till she's old enough to be trusted on her own which will be?... I'm guessing 45 or so.
My relationship with her fluctuates between wonderful to tolerable, but, try as I might, I can't NOT give her advice sometimes even though I too know I should keep my mouth shut.
I don't know how you do it. Most likely, I don't have enough self-control.
posted by: Megan (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (12:58 pm)
This is Megan, Lori's daughter. We don't have your typical mother daughter relationship. We are more like friends and she's anything but possesive with me(she is a little bit with Coco Chanel though). I had to beg her to live with me last year because she was worried I would need my space. It turned out to be a great year. I do ask my mom for advice because no matter how much I try to get around it, shes usually right. (stop smiling mama) One of the things I appreciate most about her is that shes not the overbearing type. Now the truth is out in case it was keeping anyone up at night.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (2:34 pm)
Reply to: Megan
You are a cool daughter. You're lucky to have each other.
You sure she's not chaining you up? No electronic tether? No tracking device? Better check for one of those miniature implant thingies I've seen in a couple of movies. Maybe she had it put in while you were sleeping.
posted by: 69whisper (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (2:57 pm)
Lori .... you are really a success as a mother. i know how difficult it is to allow so much of space. but i appreciate that your training really has contributed to the best grooming of your daughter. kind of love you have for her, and the way you have brought her up is indeed a success. i really need to congratulate you for this. You are a wonderful, caring and loving mom and congrats to you that you have such loving daughter.
Megan.... Undoubtedly you are a loveable child. Infact i read in between the lines (but forgive me as i can go wrong many a times)..... so when i read in between the lines, i found your mother a bit possessive (and i think she has a right to be). but what i read in between the lines of your comment is that you are a caring daughter, and your mother will always be proud of you as you will always be standing by her side.
a lil piece of advice here : you dont find mother's like yours in every mom, it really takes a lot to be like that, so always be like this with her and make her even more proud.
Bottomline: Indeed a enviable mother daughter relationship. Surrogate is right to say that you are lucky to have each other.
posted by: judypatooote (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (4:09 pm)
As Lori's Mom and Megan's Granny, I have to say I do still worry.....but I am so proud of both of them.....and Coco too..... Anyone who knows Lori personally knows what a great mom she is......
posted by: irishred (reply)
post date: 10.07.06 (9:35 pm)
Wow, Lori. I don't know how you did it! When Kat turns 21 (in 20 years..lol) If anyone stares at her breasts they will die.
I bet you both would be fun to party with!
posted by: thecyberwriter (reply)
post date: 10.08.06 (12:56 pm)
Hi Lori!
Although I'm not a mother, I'm still a daughter, so I can appreciate this blog a LOT! :-) I look at my parents and I'm sure they still can't comprehend that next March I will be 30 years old. Where does the time go? One thing I have realized over the years, is that my relationship with my parents hasn't changed...except that now, we talk about grown up things LOL Just from reading your blogs, I can tell you're a great mom :-) I always look forward to reading your blogs because they are always full of wit and wisdom :-) Thanks for sharing!
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:50 am)
Reply to: SupremeAnna What a wonderful thing for you to say about mothers. Really. It was so nice to hear from your perspective and refreshing to hear a young woman NOT trashing her mother. you are right no one could love you more or want the very best for you than your mom. I think appreciation builds appreciation. She is very lucky to have you. Thank you for your comment. :)
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.09.06 (8:51 am)
Reply to: Cutter
Thank you. :)
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.10.06 (3:50 am)
Reply to: Megan
Megan, Megan I am indeed lucky to have you. Thank you for vindicating me in blogland. The check is in the mail. :) Love you and had a GREAT time on Sunday thank you. Love, Mom
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 10.11.06 (8:28 am)
We haven't heard from you in a few days Lori. I hope you're doing OK.
Take Care,
Doe
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
