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| The years of raining shoes... |
| 10.02.06 (10:02 am) [edit] |
|
I am one of those people whose life just seemed to work out. I am not rich or famous. I have not traveled the world or much of the United States for that matter, but regardless, I have lived the American dream. I guess you could say that I’ve led a charmed life. I was born on the east side of Toledo to parents who loved me and made me believe in myself. I have three siblings who I not only love…but I like. We didn’t have a lot of money, but my dad worked hard and we never wanted for anything. My grandparents lived close and were always around. They had a deep and profound influence on our lives. We were taught a good work ethic, respect and right from wrong. We spent weekends in the winter ice-skating on my Grandma Lillian’s pond and weekends in the summer fishing at Grandma Ellie’s cottage. We played outside until dark without worrying about being abducted. Our life was modest; we rarely went to a restaurant and our vacations meant camping—I never even stayed in a hotel until Spring Break of my Senior year. Although most of the kids at my high school did not go to college, I did. I’m not even sure why I decided to do it—it certainly wasn’t expected or talked about. I took out loans and worked three jobs to pay for it. I wasn’t a very good student because I excelled on the party circuit. Ultimately though, I got a job as a Media Buyer in an Ad Agency while I was still an undergraduate. I met a boy, dated, got engaged and a year and a half later we were married. Our first apartment was a beautiful old brick duplex with a screen in back porch and a fireplace—I thought we had arrived. We bought furniture we couldn’t afford and ate out a lot. A little more than a year later, Megan was born and we bought our first house. Less than two years after that, we moved to Indiana and Ali was born. I was infinitely blessed to be able to stay home and raise my children. I volunteered at school. I was ordained as a Children’s Pastor. We built a house…a big, beautiful house with the garden of my dreams. We put in a pool. I drove a large, safe SUV. I guess you could say that over the years I got used to security. I got used to it…yet inside…deep inside, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. God, please protect my children I love them so much… God, please protect my children, I love them so much… and I am just not that strong. When Megan was in 9th grade, we decided to simplify our lives. We sold all of our suburban trappings and bought a brick farmhouse built in 1865 in the middle of a beautiful tree-lined downtown neighborhood. It was my dream home and I was happy. By this time, I had forgotten to worry about the other shoe dropping. And then it started raining them. In the past five years, in addition to watching Ali fight and lose her battle with cancer (as if anything beyond that really matters); I have been through a separation and subsequent divorce, had to find someone who would hire me after 16 years of raising children, found a job, had to quit a job, lost my health insurance and had all of my utilities shut off at least twice. On the day of her funeral I had to send someone to pay the water bill so it wouldn’t be shut off that day and no one would know exactly how far I had fallen. I had to part with both of my sweet schnauzers and Ali’s little CoCo needed $1,000 knee surgery. I was forced to pay $2,000 in attorney bills and go through the court system to recover back support from my ex-husband. As a result of that, my house went into foreclosure—twice. I sold it after Ali died at a loss thanks to a pre-payment penalty. I have moved twice, had my car repossessed, had Megan leave the nest, moved in with Craig and have been trying to start a new career—which does not seem to be panning out. I guess you could say I have gotten used to insecurity. There is really nothing that I could have done about any of it. I made a choice to quit working when Ali’s cancer relapsed. She needed me more than we needed cable, or lights, or double stuffed Oreos. I had to learn to live off of the kindness of family, friends and even strangers—and I will tell you that there is no lesson more humbling than that. The past year and a half has been a bit of a blur—trying to make sense of all of the changes. I needed time to heal. Craig and my family have given me the gift of being able to do that. I have remained protective of my optimism and tried to be strong, but I have not pushed forward very hard—lacking the confidence that I will be able to survive yet another disappointment. I was guarded—like a frightened animal crouched in a corner. Last week, however, I realized that something has changed. I discovered myself looking ahead instead of into the rear view mirror. I can no longer tolerate backward motion. I have found the energy to break through my fear and take my life back. I am working toward self-sufficiency—a tiny apartment, a used car, and perhaps even buying my clothes at a real store instead of thrift shops. My life is definitely simple. It consists of the people that I love, shelves of old books and a few neatly packed boxes. It doesn’t take a natural disaster to devastate your existence. There is no insurance for that, no National Guard, government credit card or organizations rushing to your aid. All you have is your resolve, your faith, the foundation you were given and the relationships you have nurtured over the years. I am one of those people whose life just seemed to work out. I am not rich or famous. I have not traveled the world or much of the United States for that matter, but regardless, I am living the American dream. If you see a charmed life as a collection of things, you will always be vulnerable and never be happy. |
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (7:19 am)
Ah, you speak of a great truth borne of experience and survival.
posted by: surrogate (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (7:20 am)
Oh my. Kindred spirits in more ways than I knew. May your resolve remain strong and may you enjoy the process of rebuilding, or maybe that isn't just the right term. Oh well. Your priorities are spot on. Thanks for this post.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (7:39 am)
Reply to: apyjo
Thank you...I know you have been there too.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (7:41 am)
Reply to: surrogate
hmmm. I would like to discuss that some time. Thank you and I would say that is indeed the right term. :)
posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (11:06 am)
Seize the day. You have your priorities right. I hope the future holds great things in store for you.
posted by: doeeyed (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (4:57 pm)
Life is so unpredictable, beautiful and scary, all at the same time.
I have a feeling you will be able to do anything you want.
Many, many blessings to you, Lori.
I hope you're able to live YOUR dream.
posted by: PastorDave (reply)
post date: 10.02.06 (7:59 pm)
I have been doing some thinking, myself, about how the challenges of life bring about a mellowing. I've had some life crises, although I'll quickly preface to say they were absolutely nothing compared to what you have experienced. But for me they were hard, even grinding. Julie, my beloved neice, died at 22. I've been, basically, "fired" from a couple of ministry positions. And my sweet little daughter had a baby without being married, and now has subsequently moved in with another boyfriend. Comparing the person I am today with that cock-sure and headstrong fellow of 7-8 years ago, I've certainly changed. Success and impressing others does not matter nearly as much. Relationships are much more valuable. Etc. Etc.
I guess the point I'm making- it appears to me that you have mellowed well. I know enough about gardening to know such describes the very best product. But I'll not call you a "mellow fruit".
posted by: cribananda (reply)
post date: 10.03.06 (2:45 am)
Very touching. You should be proud of yourself for handling very difficult situations really well.
May all your dreams come true.
posted by: goldie (reply)
post date: 10.03.06 (5:24 am)
wow. seems almost shallow to comment on how well written that was when the content itself was so remarkable. a very humbling post. ur strenth, resilience and determination to be positive reminds me of the millions of tiny ants i watch as their nests are terrorised by children, pets and weather etc.. ive never seen them stop and wait to be carried- they just keep on doing as best they can with what they have, and they normally get alone just fine.
stories like u'rs dust off my almost forgotten faith in humanity. thanku.
xx. g.g.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:08 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
I definitely try and make every minute count. Thank you for your good wishes and your nice comment. I am hoping the tide has turned!
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:11 pm)
Reply to: doeeyed
Thank you Doe. I know that you understand the unpredictable nature of life--everything you said...beautiful, scary exactly right. I'm going for it...right after I stop by Starbucks. :)
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:17 pm)
Reply to: PastorDave
I think all that you mentioned is a lot of pressure--at the very least great cause for reflection and wrestling with God. I honestly believe that trials make us better. They clear away the garbage and give texture to life. Certainly when you are going through them it is horrible but, you can see the value on the other side. I think they definitely mellow us. Certainly I've been called worse than a mellow fruit. :)
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:24 pm)
Reply to: LadyG
Thank you. :) it has been a really rough patch of road. I don't want it to sound like I'm complaining, because I know that for every one of my problems there is someone who has and even sadder story to tell. Your words were very comforting to me--and I want you to know that I appreciate it.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:27 pm)
Reply to: cribananda
I think when you are going through things you just do what you have to do--I'm not even sure you realize how difficult it was until later--after the dust has settled. Thank you for your very nice comment--and for taking the time to stop by.
posted by: lorischuster (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:34 pm)
Reply to: goldie
Goldie, I'm not sure what to say except thank you. That was such a very nice thing to say--all of it. I guess if you're an ant it's best not to look up and see what's coming. :) Hope you're having a good week.
posted by: scubadiva (reply)
post date: 10.04.06 (4:38 pm)
The past couple of years have been nightmarish for me as well. For so long it's just been about existence and waiting for the next round of chaos to come along.
But like you, I've had a change of perspective, although that's not really it. Life is stable. Not exciting but there's a niceness to the simplicity.
I hope we are both on the upswing with no more bumps in the road. :)
posted by: (reply)
post date: 10.15.06 (3:30 pm)
What a life you've had. I can only imagine what I would have done. Thanks goodness you've started looking ahead and thanks for sharing all this with others. Your writing is very inspiring.
Mimi
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
