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| The believing heart. |
| 03.20.06 (4:38 pm) [edit] |
|
In my heart, I believe that there is a Heaven. In my rational mind, however, it is a harder sell. When you have lost someone that you love to death, the concept of Heaven becomes the battleground between the rational mind and the believing heart. When you have lost a child to death, God's promise, it seems, is not enough A mother's job is to nurture and protect her children. From the moment that they emerge from the womb, a mother's mind is engaged in the pursuit of their safe keeping. They hold their hand across the street, stop them from running with scissors, pick through Halloween candy looking for razor blades and tell them horror stories about what happens to children who talk to strangers. You want to see them walk through the door healthy and happy and if by some terrible chance there comes a day when that doesn't happen...you can't just turn all of that off. That is my greatest battle and despite how badly I miss her, if I could glimpse into Heaven and see her smiling face, getting beyond my grief would be a great deal easier. There have been times when God has shown Himself to me in profound and inexplicable ways. It reinforces my belief and strengthens me. I hope that someday I will come to the place where that is enough. On my refrigerator is a magnet that ALi made. It says BELIEVE. When I look at it I sometimes feel that she has been betrayed by her faith. I allow myself to think it for a minute and then I let it go; because, while I am a rational, thinking human being...I understand that my sight is limited. When Ali was dying, she asked me if I really believed in Heaven...and I do. I told her that we are afraid of death because our knowledge is limited...much like when people thought the earth was flat. They saw the horizon and were filled with terror, because they believed that they would get to the edge and fall to their death. Only when they got there did they realize that the world was a much larger place than they ever considered. Life is eternal, and love is immortal, and earth is only a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
--Rossiter Worthington Raymond 1840-1918 |
posted by: FinalyFree (reply)
post date: 03.20.06 (11:44 am)
I can really understand that betrayal feeling. My sister is feeling very much the same way after my mother's recent death. I must admit I find myself questioning my own faith in times like these.
posted by: (reply)
post date: 03.21.06 (2:03 pm)
I think Ali was at peace with going to Heaven...I know that Heaven is a bunch of soles up their, but in my eyes I can see Ali, and her grandpa Jim, full body, with clothes, looking down at us....that is what I have to feel, or i couldn't go through with life....we don't really know what to expect, but in Ali's words "I think this is what Heaven will look like" when she was in Hiawii, then thats what I think it will look like....I can never get the spelling of Hiawii right....LOVE U Mumsy
posted by: (reply)
post date: 03.29.06 (9:16 am)
It is so hard not to see it with our physical eyes, and why has God chosen to remain so silent sometimes? I am still trying to let go and embrace the mystery of it all.
Mimi
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 03.29.06 (4:41 pm)
To Finally Free: I guess that in times of stress and grief our mind wanders all over the place and you can't help it. I guess that's my point for this whole post...grief takes you down scary roads but, all in all I think that difficult times add to your layers as a person. I'm sorry about your mom and it was nice of you to stop by. --Lori
Hi Mom: I'm sure that they are having a wonderful time catching up. I love you and I hope you feel better soon. We'll talk about the Hawaii thing later. :) Love Lori
Kurt: I appreciate your words very much...you are always wise and thoughtful. I do not feel guilt that I couldn't protect her... just a mother's need to know she is alright. I understand that faith is believing in something that you can't see--so this will ultimately be my true test...even more so than confronting my own death I'm sure. I am moving on to the best of my ability and rarely would you know that I am grieving--I carry it on the inside. This is my therapy blog so it sounds like I am always depressed and that isn't the case. Anyway...enough. I'm glad you stopped by... I wanted to comment on your blog and send you some photos from Iraq that I received in email that were very inspiring and touching--but now I can't locate them. also, I wanted to comment that I was surprised that Ayn Rand was a capitalist... but, I didn't want to sound stupid (guess that ship has sailed huh) :) I need to study up on her a bit more... her books fascinated me in High School and College when I read them at my father's suggestion. Thanks for stopping by. Lori
Hi MiMi... You are right...we have to let go. That is one thing that living with cancer taught me--we ultimately have NO control. You always think that you do but now, I really live very freely and it has made me a happier person. Embrace the mystery--I think that's it. Glad to see your name pop up. :) Lori
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
