Blog For Free!
Archives
Home
2008 November
2008 October
2008 September
2008 July
2008 May
2008 February
2007 December
2007 February
2007 January
2006 December
2006 November
2006 October
2006 September
2006 August
2006 July
2006 June
2006 May
2006 April
2006 March
2006 February
2006 January
2005 December
2005 August
2005 July
2005 June
2005 May
2005 April
2005 March
2005 February
2005 January
2004 December
2004 November
2004 October
2004 September
My Links
Megan and Ali's at their dad's wedding in May
Ali's Caringbridge Page (you'll want to scroll to the bottom and read up)
Video of Ali
Ali's Xanga Journal
Conservative Anomaly
My Mom's Blog
Doeedyed's Blog
Cutter's Blog
Cyberwriter's Blog
Irles Blog
Kerstin's Blog
consciousphobic's blog
Pastor Dave's Blog
Finaly Free's Blog
Surrogate's Blog
swanktrendz
69 Whisper's Blog
Inkspector's Blog
Ruined's Blog
Irish's Blog
Godsmack's Blog
Mitch Doolittle's Blog
Goldie's Blog
Thouloos Lair
Kurt Maddox Blog
Mimi's World
Bawdy's Blog
Heavy Arms Blog
Lady G's Blog
Fractal Mom
GraceShaker
April's Blog
Ottomanprang's Blog
MiMi's Blog
Ashli's Blog
Deb's Blog
Danielle's Blog
BillyRyan's Blog
tBlog
My Profile
Send tMail
My tFriends
My Images
Sponsored
Blog
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
| boundaries of a new reality |
| 01.29.06 (7:16 pm) [edit] |
| I ran across Ali’s glasses today. My mind immediately flashed back to last year at this time when the cancer was affecting her eyesight. She was trying to play a game on her computer but couldn’t see it. It gave her such pleasure to play and she wanted so badly to show me. My heart breaks to think about her frustration. There were so many moments like that…painful realizations that something else was about to be lost--that the end was indeed coming and there would be nothing we could do about it. Most of these moments I will keep to myself. They are intimate, heart-wrenching details that have left my insides wounded and raw. They haunt me because of my inability to make it better. As I watched her slip away, I did everything that I could think of to avoid having any regret when she was gone. Now, nearly a year later, all I can think about is what I would have liked to have said…and done differently. That being said, I did what I could with the knowledge that I had--and I did it with love. With great futility I struggle with my intense need to see her again, to hold her, and hear her voice. I want to go back in time to make sure that all of her dreams come true and I want to erase all of the pain that I saw on her face when she realized that none of them ever would. At the very least, I want to know she is all right. I want to see if her hair is grown out and hear about all of the people that she has met. I want her to tell me that she knows how much I loved her and that flying off to Heaven was a wonderful and amazing ride. A part of me flew home with Ali that night. It is like a chemical reaction where something is taken away and what is left becomes something completely different. I need to learn to live within the boundaries of my new reality but, it's not as easy as it sounds because you cannot stop your mind from drifting backward any more than you can stop cancer from savaging forward. |
posted by: (reply)
post date: 01.29.06 (3:29 pm)
it is good to hear from you again. its been a while.
but, i havent stopped thinking about ali.
posted by: (reply)
post date: 01.30.06 (11:17 am)
from mom;
there are so many times that I still say, I'll call mom and tell her about what ever it was that happened in my life....like my tap....I just would love to talk to her.....and I do.....I'm sure she can hear me.....I feel her and Ali are getting quite a kick out of my dancing.......I have times when I think , why wasn't I up with Ali more... I can still hear her last "I love you" She could hardly talk, but I understood her... You must never think, what could I have done to make it better, because you did everything right....You were and still are the best mom in the whole world....Ali knew, and Megan knows it.......My heart breaks when I think of you being so sad.....and March 1 will be here before long... I look at her beautiful picture hanging in my family room, and it is still hard to believe......but you know and I know that Ali would say hey, I'm ok......get Grandpa Jim off my back......
posted by: (reply)
post date: 01.30.06 (4:35 pm)
hi lori--The first comment was from me. I realized that I never signed my name. There is a piece I've written, which I would like you to read. I'll email it to you in the near future. God Bless,
Liz N.
posted by: (reply)
post date: 01.30.06 (4:56 pm)
Glad to see an update.
We miss you.
And of course Ali.
Hope everything is going well and that megan is doing well too.
<3allison
posted by: (reply)
post date: 02.02.06 (12:19 pm)
This is the most profound blog I've yet to come across. Thank you for sharing such deep and honest feelings. I feel like I should say I can't imagine what it would be like but that sounds so shallow and trite. I'll say a prayer for you.
Mimi
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (10:30 am)
Liz--thank you for writing. I would love to read what you wrote.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (10:31 am)
Alli--miss you too. Hoping to see you on the 1st. Thank you for writing.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (10:32 am)
Thank you mama. :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 02.05.06 (10:34 am)
Mimi...thank you for your kind words and your prayers--you can never have too many of those. thank you for taking time to read.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
