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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
| Five months, a letter, and an old story that made me cry. |
| 07.31.05 (10:32 pm) [edit] |
|
I don't necessarily understand the nature of matter, but, I hope that these words will somehow find their way to where you are. In a few minutes it will be five months since you left here. I'm doing ok, but, there are many things that are still painful. Sometimes I don't have an inkling of what is to come...what will be put into my path to make me think of you. I do know that, I still cannot walk into the GAP, see anything to do with Napoleon Dynamite, or listen to Coldplay. I carry the Nano-pet that I got you for Christmas on my keychain. Sometimes Craig and I will talk about how you screamed when you saw it because it reminded you of when you were little. Ali, you never even got to open it. I would give anything to hold your hand, to fold your clothes and put them on your bed, to listen to your screaming boy music while I’m trying to sleep. I wish that I had opened your backpack today and found a paper with a ‘D’ marked in red. I would kiss the top of your head and make some brownies. I would like to hear the door slam and your feet running up the stairs—even if it was past your curfew. I’d like to see you roll your eyes and shake your head as you walk away muttering, "momma, you are so weird." I wouldn't mind hearing you and Megan screaming at each other. Fighting over the curling iron, the last fudge round, the Ron Jon sweatshirt, or the car keys. I miss our morning lattes and our drives to the hospital. Even for that, I would give anything. I wish for many things in vain and it is frustrating. There is no compromise with death. I wish that I had a tape recorder so that I could hear your voice the day you got your driver’s license, the night you recited Shakespeare while under the influence of Morphine, and everything you uttered between your first word and your last breath. It has been five months since you left us. Your shadow lingers around every corner and your voice still echoes in the rooms of this house and in the memories of all of the people whom you touched so deeply. Meanwhile, the world goes on and so do I… reluctantly, Ali. Somehow, I am able to laugh. I am able to work, to dream, to love and to hope for good things in the future. I don’t know how that is possible…perhaps because you taught me so much about living. Sometimes, I think about how you used to pretend to run into car doors, or when you did that walk that made me have to cross my legs because I was laughing so hard. I think about our long talks at night in the dark quiet hospital rooms, or watching the same movie six times because the drugs would knock you out and you’d say… could we turn that on again? These are some of the things that will heal the hole that is inside of me. There are scars that will be forever visible, but the way you lived your life will ultimately get me through the unspeakable pain of your death. How did seventeen years go by so quickly? I torture myself trying to remember every minute that we were together. I’m so glad that I got to be a stay-at-home mom and watch you grow up. When you and Meggie were little, I would read the book, "I love you forever" and I could never make it through without sobbing. Literally sobbing. You would both look at me very sweetly and someone would say, "It’s alright, mommy, you don’t have to finish if you don’t like it." Sometimes I wonder, did I have a sense of something to come or did I just love you that much? Oh my sweet Ali, I really did love you that much. I still do. Five months has passed Ali. Five months and no matter what happened yesterday, or what will happen in a thousand tomorrows, you will always be my little girl and I was blessed beyond imagination to be your mother. I love you forever. I like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be. |
posted by: judypatooote (reply)
post date: 08.01.05 (12:09 pm)
Oh my Lori, I can't stop crying....you say it so well....I too, can be in the middle of something and will remember something Ali use to do.....and walking into the car, or post or building, she was so convincing....in fact I was just thinking about that and our Williamsburg days.....but at least she is alive in our memory....I love you.....mom
posted by: MissJane (reply)
post date: 08.02.05 (10:34 am)
this post and the ali video made me cry. you are a wonderful mother.
posted by: Josh (reply)
post date: 08.02.05 (12:04 pm)
Oh wow, I'm shaking once again. If I ever even come close to the quality of writing you so gloriously offer free to the world, I will be happy. Thank you so much for showing me how to write. I thank you Lori. I truly do.
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 08.02.05 (1:52 pm)
I feel as though I'm intruding on a very intimate moment. Like hallowed ground...
posted by: apyjo (reply)
post date: 08.03.05 (1:41 pm)
((Lori & Judy))
posted by: Janell Maust (reply)
post date: 08.04.05 (7:43 am)
I love that book and don't worry your not the only one that cries when they read it. My mom can never get through it either. I love reading your writings. They bring back so many good memories. And their so beautiful.
posted by: Jodi Eckhardt (reply)
post date: 08.06.05 (7:07 pm)
Beautiful. I don't feel worthy of reading it.
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 08.08.05 (5:31 pm)
That's our favorite book. There's a cat in every picture. We sing the song to our own tune. As do you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:22 pm)
thank you mom. I don't know what made me think that it would ever get any easier... She was a funny girl wasn't she ? :) Love you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:23 pm)
Reply to: MissJane
thank you so much. she made being a mom easy... but now it is all the more difficult. it's nice of you to stop by.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:27 pm)
Reply to: Josh
Joshua... you are so sweet and much too kind. I hear you are going to major in English or something? Is this true? :) WHen do you start school? Thank you for reading Josh.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:31 pm)
Reply to: billlyryan
thank you... i hesitated to write it to her and put it on a blog... but, for some reason (which makes absolutely no sense) I felt like if I kept it to myself she wouldn't hear me... so what's going on lately?
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:40 pm)
Reply to: Janell
Thank you Janell :) We should probably just warn moms to grab a box of kleenex when they read this book... don't you think? Hope you have a good first day of school tomorrow. :)
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:41 pm)
Reply to: Jodi
Thank you Jodi. You have been so supportive and I appreciate it very much.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (1:42 pm)
Reply to: altricial
Isn't that funny... I never noticed the cat. It is a great book though... it was so nice to see your name. Hope you are doing well.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.10.05 (2:10 pm)
Reply to: apyjo
thank you... hugs keep me going. :)
posted by: bawdy (reply)
post date: 08.11.05 (9:54 am)
Oh geez, I saw Ali's picture in your mom's blog today. This is my first visit here. I didn't know you were that cute little girl's mom before arriving. That was a most wonderful tribute. I can tell just how deeply you loved her. If only all kids could feel such warmth.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 08.11.05 (5:36 pm)
Reply to: bawdy
That photo was on our first trip to Williamsburg... she grew into a stunning young woman... inside and out. Not sure if we'll ever come to terms with the gravity of the loss. I was lucky to have her. Thank you for your kind note and I'm glad you stopped by. I really enjoy your blog.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
