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| The thin line between joy and pain. |
| 07.01.05 (12:50 pm) [edit] |
|
I’m home again. That is to say, I am back at my house for a couple of nights. Ali’s friends asked if they could have a pizza party here… to remember. So, the house will be filled with voices again, which is good, because the silence is deafening. It is good and it is bad and I’m not sure which will be more painful, the roar of the deafening silence or the blinding glare of her absence amid the noise. But, what is necessary is not always easy. For a couple of weeks it has seemed a little easier. It seemed easier until I unlocked the back door and felt a sudden rush of emotion that I could not identify. It was the thin line between joy and pain. Sometimes, I forget that she was so sick. I forget about having to lift her fragile body or having to give her juice through a sipper cup. I forget about how she had to give up parts of herself a little at a time and how we had to let her. Today, I came across a CD case…a Christmas present. Inside, the music she loved and the mixes that she made, labeled with her handwriting and adorned with artwork. The ghosts of the life of a teenager. This morning as I had my coffee on an overstuffed chair in the living room, I looked around, and it seemed strange that everything was neatly in place around me. Everything is, exactly as it was. But that seems so wrong. I feel as though I should scatter things, move them, hide them or at the very least, throw them. I watch Megan and see her walking through life in the shadow of all of this pain. She is so beautiful and full of life, but, it is like there is a veil of sadness covering her face. I don’t even begin to know what is going on inside of her mind. There is only so much that you can say out loud. Only so much that can be expressed with words. It is like we are standing together on a fault-line and the earth is splitting in two. Standing at the edge of starting over, but, one foot is permanently attached to the other side. We have many things to look forward to but, we have boulders attached to our shoes. For every action that we take and every thought that we have, leading us in the direction of resuming some sort of normal life—there is a barrier that we have to get through. Like a sentry posted at every exit and every entrance. We are surrounded by ghosts and we cannot overcome them. We must simply learn to live with them. On New Year’s Eve, we bought CoCo. My mom and sisters came up. We went to dinner and went bowling. She knew that she was dying… but, she went bowling. After she bowled a gutter ball, she came and sat next to me. I made a sad face and she said, "don’t feel sorry for me… try and beat me like you always would". I think about the words from her journal and they echo in my heart. "This is so hard". Ghosts. The thin line between joy and pain. |
posted by: Jeremiah (reply)
post date: 07.01.05 (2:35 pm)
I was curious as to what happened to the last post. Its gone. Also, what is that thing on the top of you blog, its kind of scarry. (lol) Oh well. Thats all. love you lots! <3
posted by: billlyryan (reply)
post date: 07.01.05 (8:12 pm)
I've been trying to comment all day on your post. I can't respond to your comment on mine. I can't get anything to work...
But please, now that I am able to say something, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you all day today.
I just wanted you to know. If you will, please tell Megan that she's in my thoughts as well.
posted by: JAS (reply)
post date: 07.02.05 (2:41 am)
As life rolls along, you will probably find something that Ali wrote, or a card from her, or perhaps something else that you and her shared, but forgot about. I found a piece of paper that I made out and had your dad sign and I signed when we were in high school. It cracked me up. It said "I_______(signed my name Judy K)
promise to love , honor, and obey Jim S. tell death do us part" and the same for for him to sign. Just to see his signature, and the words, until death do us part. Now we were in high school remember. But it was such a great find. It brought back another memory, which is such a wonderful thing to have. Especially at my age....lol
posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 07.02.05 (5:27 pm)
I've known that you and Ali were special since the first time I read you. It turns out you must have that effect on everyone around you as well, because Ali's friends are amazing, too. I'm so glad that you all have each other.
posted by: lindy (reply)
post date: 07.14.05 (5:59 pm)
'Don't feel sorry for me... try and beat me like you always would.'
If everyone had an ounce of Ali in them, the world would be a much more beautiful place.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 07.29.05 (3:28 am)
I didn't like it so I deleted it! :) I love the delete button. The scary thing is now gone... not sure what it was but it sounded rude didn't it? Love you too Jeremiah!
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 07.29.05 (3:29 am)
Reply to: billlyryan
I will tell Megan... and thank you for your thoughts. Having people who care what happens to you is what gets you through the tough times.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 07.29.05 (3:31 am)
Reply to: JAS
I have already found things and it is at once comforting and eerie. It feels as though she is still alive and then I remember... grief is the strangest emotion... so deceiving all the time.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 07.29.05 (3:32 am)
Reply to: altricial
Thank you. very much. she has incredibly special friends and I will always remember them. It was good to hear from you.
posted by: LoriSchuster (reply)
post date: 07.29.05 (3:32 am)
Reply to: lindy
I believe that you are 100% correct. Thank you.
Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005
