Craig and I are going away for a few days. Thursday will be the second anniversary since Ali left us. In honor of Ali I just want to feature three links. Her video, her xanga site and our Caringbridge page. Caringbridge is where we updated people on her condition. You need to go to the bottom and read up. I guess that it is a testament to her battle. Her xanga site is a testament to her courage, her caring and her humor. There are a couple of entries where she expresses anger and disappointment, but for the most part, I think you will find her to be an amazing and funny young woman. The video is simply a testament to a beautiful life.  I don't expect anyone to read them really...I just want them out there so on March 1st her spirit is not forgotten.  Thanks for all of your love and support and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Alison Haley—you are missed more each day. How blessed we are to have had you in our lives for even a very short time. I love you.

CARINGBRIDGE: http://www.caringbridge.org/i...

XANGA: http://www.xanga.com/home.asp...

VIDEO: http://www.dvfsite.com/aliweb...

Flying Home (Brenda's Song) lyrics by CHANTAL KREVIAZUK  (the song on her video)

Its hard to let you go
You've always let me in
And helped with all the endings
And you know where to begin
I need you here for me
Cause you always know my heart
I can't believe we'd change
Or have to be apart

But if you've seen the love that's in her eyes
Then everything is good
And if you know the way she felt inside
She's flying where she should
I never believed we'd ever live to see
An angel being born and flying home

It's good to know your laugh
And you'll always hold my hand
And watch from up in heaven
And always understand
We'll take you down the road
And in everything we do
We'll know how much you love us
A soul that's kind and true.

But if you've seen the love that's in her eyes
Then everything is good
And if you know the way she felt inside
She's flying where she should
I never believed we'd ever live to see
An angel being born and flying home
 

 Well, I am home and the internet is working.  Another crazy week ahead.  I am looking forward to catching up on my blog reading but that's not going to happen today I'm afraid.  In the meantime, I want to share a photo of the new man in my life, Samuel Benjamin.  I must tell you that I am madly in love and I cried like a baby when I had to leave him for the four hour drive home.  A week of midnight feedings and carpool lanes.  It was all quite lovely.

So, someone sneezed two counties over and our internet went out...again.  It has been five days.  So, now I'm at Panera.  In the meantime, I took Coco back to Megan's and spent the night there so I could take my friend Ashli to University of Chicago to meet with a cancer specialist.  Spent a nice evening with my friend Beth. 

Ashli and I were very impressed with the surgeon and finally got some answers.  Basically translated, however, cancer sucks.  It was hard going back to that particular place as that is where we had Ali treated at the last phase of her cancer.  THe last time I went there, well, was the last time we would ever need to go there.  But I did it and I survived so that is that.

It is the countdown to March 1st.  It is a corner to be turned.

I drove through the blizzard to get to Chicago and then back through it to Indiana and then I drove back to Michigan.  It was a bit harrowing even to someone who drove through floods and a tornado to take her kids to a Creed concert.  Anyway...a lot of miles, a lot of snow, a lot of semis.

WOrked the rest of the week and I'm heading to Ohio on Monday for a week to take care of my sister Lisa's new baby Sam.  I'm quite excited.  So, I've had no time for writing or reading or anything else. 

Miss you all...looking forward to catching up.

"To keep our faces toward change, and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate, is strength undefeatable." Helen Keller.

There is still much to work through in my life; a thousand unexplored emotions, thoughts that haunt and thoughts that heal, questions about direction, purpose and meaning.

I made my mind up long ago that I would not spend a day lying in bed and wallowing in pity. I have not done that. I have tried to face these changes head-on and tackle them one-by one. Recently, however, I find that I am stuck. Feet dragging in the mud—stuck.

I’m not sure how much of this is winter and how much is me not snapping back. I finally decided to get some counseling to help me sort things out. To me, this seems like weakness yet, I believe it is not only necessary but crucial.

I see my future in my imagination—it is bright and just around the corner. I am desperate to be there. I have no greater goal than to learn to find joy within the boundaries of my sorrow. But for now as I've said--I am stuck.

The cold gloomy weather made me think about something I wrote two years ago called “Twenty-six months of Winter”. When I read it, I was reminded that despite the gray I feel hovering above me, in reality, I have come very far. I would like to wish myself past this, but we all know you just have to trudge through.

It is so much easier to allow yourself time to heal when the wound is physical. I have been mortally wounded—but it is on the inside. My words are my scars. I wish they were always as bright and colorful as the hope that wraps around this wound.

I don’t want to be pitied. I guess I would like to be understood.

Every day is a leap of faith and sometimes I feel like just stepping out of bed is the bravest thing I have ever done.

Twenty-six months of winter.
02.16.05 (10:54 pm)

The black, white, and gray of winter has seeped in under the doorways and is permeating the house like dense fog. Occasionally, a splash of color will pierce the status quo… a bouquet of red tulips or a foil wrapped piece of candy.

I long for Spring; for green and the smell of hyacinth. I long for resurrection.

I have been travelling this route through Purgatory for over 26 months. I have learned that just because the road you traveled was long, dark and fraught with danger does not guarantee that the next phase of the journey will find you skipping through a field of daisies. Sometimes, the most difficult roads to get through are not those that you anticipate.

For me, the most challenging roads are not where the grade is steep or the terrain is rocky, but the road that goes on for miles, flat and unchanging.

Death has its own agenda. It will not be slowed down any more than it will be rushed. It plays tricks on your mind and tortures you with its uncertainty. In a frenzy you attempt to gather all of your moments and your memories; like trying to save precious photographs from a fire. I love you. I love you. I love you.

A few nights ago Ali woke up and didn’t know me. She thought I was trying to kill her and tried to flee the bed… even though she cannot stand by herself. I had to pull her back in as she repeatedly punched my face and screamed for help. The next day she remembered and apologized, ending with, "I love you, mama". As I looked deeply into her eyes, I realized that while I have been busy mourning the Ali that I see bright eyed and smiling in photographs, I have not fully appreciated the Alison lying in front of me. An innocent, vulnerable, child-like Ali who is fighting for her very life, yet, still has not lost her empathy or sense of humor.

I was challenged by a road that I thought to be flat and unchanging, but, I was wrong. The road was changing, just not in the direction that I was looking for. Sometimes when life disappoints us we let the gray seep in and stop looking for strands of color. By mourning what wasn’t I failed to see the beauty in what I had in front of me.

We had a good night tonight. We laughed together… Ali, Megan and I. It wasn’t like it used to be… but still, it was a burst of color on a very dark night in February.

I know that the time is coming when my mourning will be profound and justified. I am terrified of going there, but I have no choice.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I have endured twenty-six months of winter. Spring can’t be too far away.