Lessons Along the Scenic Route thru Purgatory

By Lori Schuster

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boundaries of a new reality
01.29.06 (7:16 pm)   [edit]
I ran across Ali’s glasses today.  My mind immediately flashed back to last year at this time when the cancer was affecting her eyesight.  She was trying to play a game on her computer but couldn’t see it.  It gave her such pleasure to play and she wanted so badly to show me.  My heart breaks to think about her frustration. There were so many moments like that…painful realizations that something else was about to be lost--that the end was indeed coming and there would be nothing we could do about it. Most of these moments I will keep to myself. They are intimate, heart-wrenching details that have left my insides wounded and raw. They haunt me because of my inability to make it better.  As I watched her slip away, I did everything that I could think of to avoid having any regret when she was gone.  Now, nearly a year later, all I can think about is what I would have liked to have said…and done differently. That being said, I did what I could with the knowledge that I had--and I did it with love. With great futility I struggle with my intense need to see her again, to hold her, and hear her voice. I want to go back in time to make sure that all of her dreams come true and I want to erase all of the pain that I saw on her face when she realized that none of them ever would. At the very least, I want to know she is all right.  I want to see if her hair is grown out and hear about all of the people that she has met.  I want her to tell me that she knows how much I loved her and that flying off to Heaven was a wonderful and amazing ride. A part of me flew home with Ali that night.  It is like a chemical reaction where something is taken away and what is left becomes something completely different. I need to learn to live within the boundaries of my new reality but, it's not as easy as it sounds because you cannot stop your mind from drifting backward any more than you can stop cancer from savaging forward.
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Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005