Lessons Along the Scenic Route thru Purgatory

By Lori Schuster

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The Land of In-between.
04.20.05 (1:12 am)   [edit]
I am living in the land of in-between; straddling a thin line between joy and sorrow, future and past, reality and denial. What seems true one minute does not the next and in an instant a sound, a smell, or a random thought can bring me to my knees in anguish.

The land of in-between. A tightrope walk between living your life and somewhere deep in the back of your mind, wishing for death. It is the place where you dwell when you lose a child.

In the land of in-between you are cloaked with the realization that remembering wears two faces. It is comforting yet painful and the irony is that while forgetting will never be an option—even if you could you would not want to.

Over dinner last night, Megan made the comment that, no matter what happens in the future, it will always be accompanied by some amount of sadness. I know that she is right.

There will still be love. There will still be laughter. There will be milestones and celebrations. But, our lives will always be clouded by a dull film… a yellow buildup of memories and reminders of things that will never come to pass. The image of a beautiful face that will never age.

This, in a matter of speaking is my final resting place.

I have gone through the memory box that I’ve been saving for when Ali grew up. I have read cards that she made me for my birthday and mother’s day. I have packed up her things. The sound of my footsteps against the hardwood floor is magnified by the emptiness. All of this was done with a profound sense of grief; yet, today while I was driving I suddenly panicked—I forgot to take Ali to get her bloodcounts!

No.

That is what it’s like to live in the land of in-between. Your mind cannot process the loss and so it plays tricks on you. You forget that they won’t be home for dinner. You will not hear their voice on the other end of the phone. Maybe you pause for a minute to get your bearings or sit on their bed and cry until there is nothing left. Maybe you eat a donut or pour yourself a large glass of wine. You get through how you can. It’s about survival…straddling the line.

Life is a beautiful thing—even when it hurts. It is not my goal to simply survive. My eyes have already begun to adjust to the dull yellow film. I will just have to work harder.

My heart is stronger for the pain.

It is a fact that each day brings its own triumphs and tragedies. It’s a tightrope walk without a net. One foot in front of the other. How agile I will be when I am through.
23 Comments
 
Alive and well...
04.19.05 (10:49 am)   [edit]
This is just a short note... I am alive and doing well. I am functioning despite my broken heart. I was sick for nearly two weeks and then Craig (xoxo) took Lukas and I to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for a week (so beautiful). Now, I have been working feverishly to get my house painted, cleaned, and packed so that I can put it on the market ASAP (need to sell it before the bank decides they want it back). It looks beautiful... wish I had it done while I actually lived here! So, it has been emotional... packing up the house that I love filled with things that remind me of the people that I love. But, I am excited about the future and the plans on the horizon... more about that later. I have lamps to hang and boxes to pack. Megan is doing well also. She has been packing up for college and making plans. We've had a nice time together. CoCo is fine as well...very playful and funny. Megan dotes on her until you want to gag. :) Thank you for your love and concern. I can't wait to have time to write again...next week I hope! Love, Lori
11 Comments
 

Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005