Lessons Along the Scenic Route thru Purgatory

By Lori Schuster


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The Treehouse
10.28.04 (9:43 am)   [edit]

I always thought that a tree house would be a very functional piece of real estate. I never actually had one but I did imagine what it would look like. It took various forms; from a white colonial with green shutters and brass accents to a tattered Greek revival like the one we passed on the way to Grandma Lillian’s. Sometimes I would drag home pieces of wood that I found in the alley thinking that I might build one some day; but dad was very anti-clutter so it always ended up by the curb on trash day.

In a small house with four kids, quiet moments were difficult to come by. A tree house, I believed, would solve all of my problems. It would allow me a place all my own where I could drink a Pepsi, read Nancy Drew and have a penthouse view of the city… just like the one on Green Acres. Granted, we lived in Toledo, not New York, and I had no idea what a penthouse was; but, Eva Gabor seemed pretty happy with it and that was good enough for me. Strangely enough, my desire for a tree house had less to do with alone time than it did with satisfying my love affair for small, cozy spaces. My real dream (and this is somewhat embarrassing) was to be like Thumbelina and sleep in a walnut shell… but we will save that story for another day.

Today’s tale is about the tree house I never had. Maybe some day I will build one but for today it will be constructed purely within the boundaries of my imagination.

The sign over the door of my tree house reads:
ILLEGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM. Generally translated as: Don’t let the bastards grind you down. This sentiment is self-explanatory and while I would not have thought of it when I was twelve and cannot take credit for it now... it is definitely something that I would say. Life is grueling enough. When you have taken the time to climb up a line of poorly nailed wooden boards you should be able to be left alone.

Visitors would be few; my girls, my guy, select family members, people who are bringing me a latte, and my friend Ashley who shares my love of English literature, says the most shocking things, and loves a good martini now and then.


For the most part, my treehouse would be for hiding away.  I would lie on the hard wooden floor and close my eyes. Like a symphony, the sounds of life going on in the world below would gently float through the window and make their way into my consciousness. My face would automatically turn toward the rays of sunlight streaming through cracks in the wood and my stomach would growl as the scent of grilled hamburgers drifted upward and overwhelmed every other sense.

The world is magnified as I listen to the sounds below me. Bicycle tires pushing aside stones in the alley. A basketball hitting the cement in perfect rhythm and then bouncing off of the backboard with a dull thud. Somewhere a dog is barking, probably mine, it’s always mine. Like a music box gone mad, strains of three blind mice blare from the speaker of an ice cream truck and a little sister is screaming for her brothers to wait up as they rush to be the first in line. She is ultimately left alone and without any money for a strawberry shortcake bar.

The muffled cries of the little sister can still be heard as stars begin to replace the sunlight and the tree house is cloaked in darkness. Lights begin to fill the windows below and the last bike lands roughly in a garage that is much too crowded for a car to fit.

Maybe I will lie here a little longer. Perhaps someone will come looking for me. It’s a nice thing to be missed, especially when it has nothing to do with someone needing to find a shoe, your checking account number, or a clean pair of underwear. It makes no sense to hide if no one ever comes looking for you anyway.

Everyone needs a place to hide now and then. A tree house, a penthouse, or a walnut shell; it doesn’t really matter. Just a place to go where no one grinds you down. A place to sit back quietly and watch the world spin a while without you.

5 Comments
 
The Moment
10.26.04 (2:58 am)   [edit]

Note: I wrote this when the girls were small. I thought of it today when the sun was glimmering through the leaves. Thought that I would share it.


The Moment

Early this morning, before I had time to recover from the hectic relay race of our morning routine, God presented me with a gift. It was the gift of seeing beyond the ordinary. He carved out for me a moment in time that would have otherwise gone unnoticed, but now it is and forever will be, etched in my mind. It is a piece of time where you say quietly to yourself, “I will remember this moment forever.”

Seven children--best friends, new friends, brothers and sisters--packed together like sardines in my much too small car. In a flurry of good-byes and kisses, they raced from the noisy confines of the car unaware that they were about to become my moment. As they were leaving, one flew in for another kiss and then it was silent.

The morning was sunny; not the bright, glaring sun of summer, but the sunlight of autumn-- crisp, warm, and inviting. I watched them as they made their way across the school yard loaded down with backpacks and lunch boxes. They split into groups of twos and threes. Two walked hand in hand, others ran, and one leaped into the air-- reaching for the sky.

The leaves fell in great numbers from the trees that surrounded them. Soon they were merely silhouettes. Walking, running, dancing silhouettes with a backdrop of warm sunshine and leaves that floated and swirled through the crisp air. Seven children and a thousand leaves, whirling and twirling in a magical world, where there was no sense of time, or distance, or obligation. 

Silently, I took all of this in. The color of the day, the burnished leaves tossing about in the early morning sky and the seven silhouettes finding their way past the ordinary into what seemed for a time, extraordinary. In the midst of this, I found my moment.

Alone in my car, in the quiet of the morning, God gave me a glimpse of innocence. At a time when things change in the blink of an eye, when children seem to grow up much too fast and it takes all of a parents strength to let them venture into the world alone, when the media bombards us with doom and gloom instead of a spirit of optimism and hope, and when families are rushed and losing touch with their greatest source of joy--each other, this glimpse was indeed a privilege.

It was a moment in time where the world had not yet taken hold. Their joy was pure and untarnished. It was a joy that did not come from things-- it came from just being. This gift, disguised as ordinary and routine, was God’s way of reminding me to be still. It is in stillness that we find our true moments.

So, quietly, in the early morning hours of this autumn day, I celebrated my moment.

Too quickly, five of them passed through the school doors, the quiet miracle of the moment behind them. The last two stragglers stayed behind, chasing leaves that were falling from the sky like snowflakes. For quite some time, they danced around the trees; with arms raised and heads thrown back in laughter. It echoed back to me, above the sound of the wind and the leaves blowing across the pavement.

After some hesitation, the two windswept explorers picked up their backpacks and headed toward the door, stopping occasionally to grasp at stray leaves which seemed to call them back… beckoning them to stay a bit longer. They were about to cross the threshold back to the ordinary and as they reached for the handles of the large steel and glass doors the two silhouettes turned around and stood for a while longer. Without even realizing it, they, too, were having a moment.

4 Comments
 
Falling all over again.
10.21.04 (1:24 am)   [edit]
It is fall and I am nesting.

There is an amazing hue to the sky that comes only in October. A chill is in the air and an extra quilt is on the bed. The amazing spectacle of leaves assures us that yes, there is a God and at each turn a new panorama is revealed to outshine the one that came before it. This is the palette of fall.

For some reason, this palette evokes something in me… a need for order. Fall is about ritual. It is about doing the things that bring serenity and security to your existence. Fall is about seeking comfort food for your body, your soul, and your mind. Perhaps it is something that we genetically acquired from our forefathers; the inherent need to hunker down and prepare for winter.

In other words…nesting.

The grape jelly that I made is neatly stacked in the pantry. Beef stew is cooking in the oven and the firewood is in its basket near the fireplace. There are candles burning in the candleholders and my Windham Hill CDs are playing on the stereo. The ritual has been the same for as long as I can remember and each year I grow to appreciate it more.

I know I am not alone in this. My sister’s nesting ritual consists of, among other things, neatly stacking her cupboards full of food. Her satisfaction in this, however, derives from the fact that her cupboards are full. In other words, she doesn’t like anyone to disrupt the order of things by actually eating the food. It’s all about self-sufficiency and she is the human equivalent of a squirrel.

I am a completely different person this time of year. I, once again, begin craving things of a domestic nature. I start drinking tea. I actually use pots and pans. One day last fall, I made an after-school snack, dinner, and a dessert. My girls thought that I was dying and this was my way of breaking it to them gently. It took me a week to convince them that I would live to order pizza again. But, not before I have hand-dipped beeswax candles, cooked a pot roast and made a loaf of homemade bread.

Like a blaring trumpet, fall announces a changing of the guard. It beckons us to pack away the casual flow of summer and gravitate toward routine. School begins, daylight slowly disappears, and the grill prepares for hibernation. Fall is a bit of a dichotomy; it brings with it change…a change of clothes, a change of scenery and change of heart, but it also signifies a time of year when we hasten back to tradition.

Despite the drastic changes in our lives over the past three years, I have tried to keep our traditions alive. This year we made our annual trip to the orchard/winery that we have been visiting every fall since they were very young. We picked grapes for jelly and sampled wine and sparkling grape juice, we picked out pumpkins, and had a wonderful dinner at one of our favorite places. Since it used to be the four of us and is now the three of us, we changed some of the details and started a new chapter. We had an amazing time. It is one of those days that I will always remember and I’m glad that I didn’t abstain just because it is a remnant of the past.

Sometimes situations change and we let go of the traditions that were special to us or we try to recreate them exactly—which we cannot do. I have chosen to hold on to the things that are special but change the way in which we approach them. In this way, we are showing respect for the past but reflecting the promise we see in the future.

Due to my never ending money crunch we have had to cancel one of my favorite traditions…our annual fall trip with mom, Linda and Jenson to Monticello and Colonial Williamsburg. It almost makes me cry to think about. The smell of burning wood and hot cider, playing checkers by the fireplace at the lodge, shopping in Merchant’s Square, dinner in the taverns and the sinful "Death by Chocolate" cake at the Trellis.

I cannot even begin to tell you the number of memories that I have acquired from these trips. Ali has brought it up often this year, with the same melancholy tone as the rest of us; and while its absence is greatly missed, I am gratified to know that my children are growing up with an immense appreciation for the value of tradition and ritual.

The year that we were renovating the house, I didn’t do anything for Christmas, not even buy a tree. As teenagers, I didn’t think that the girls would even notice; but, as I found out later, they were terribly disappointed. For Megan and Alison, Christmas means coming home to a house that smells like pine and looks like a Christmas card. Trees are decorated while drinking hot chocolate and watching Prancer and when you wake up on Christmas morning there are cinnamon rolls waiting for you.

Their expectations are not about greed or over-indulgence. They are about the past and the present being held together by a moment. It is about reliving old memories and at the same time building new ones.

Embracing tradition is like the coming of fall. It satisfies that need for order. It is comfort food for a weary soul. Perhaps one day without even knowing why, my daughters will find serenity in the glow of a candle and security in a well-stocked cupboard. They will pass an orchard or a pumpkin patch and feel a sudden urge to stop. Tradition is the thread that ties one generation to another. Maybe that is what inspires me about fall… the promise of continuity in a world that is at best uncertain.


[b]NOTE:
I HAVE ADDED A WILLIAMSBURG LINK. IT HAS SOME OF THE PICTURES FROM OUR PAST TRIPS. ALI AND HER COUSIN JENSON HAVE BEEN BEST FRIENDS SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING. MEGAN CHOSE NOT TO GO WITH US AND IS, THEREFORE, NOT IN ANY OF THEM BECAUSE SHE NEVER REALLY GOT INTO THE COLONIAL SCENE. Didn't want you to think I was choosing favorites![/b]
2 Comments
 
Love is a Battlefield
10.19.04 (1:04 pm)   [edit]
[i][b]We are young, heartache to heartache we stand No promises, no demands Love is a battlefield We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing Love is a battlefield. --Pat Benetar [/b][/i]

I was in the car today scanning radio stations when I heard a statement that made coffee come out my nose. Two men were talking on a Christian radio station when one of them, we’ll call him Jim-- said, quite matter-of-factly, "Bob, many parents struggle to understand their teens now and then." I immediately knew that this was someone who had nothing to offer me and I switched over to Gun Talk.

Let’s set the record straight right now. Jim, there is no struggle to understand here. It’s all very simple; they used to be your sweet little children and now they are not. They are a walking, talking bundle of hormones trying to discover who they are and what they think outside of the sphere of their parents. Their battle cry is freedom and their every waking moment is dedicated to the cause. Giving your parents apoplexy is just a bonus.

The goal should not be to understand, but to survive.

[u][b]Rules of Engagement[/b][/u]:

You don’t get a lot of warning. On Monday you put them to bed smelling of powder and wearing Winnie the Pooh flannel pajamas. On Friday they discover hair growing under their armpits and before you can purchase their first box of Kotex, your Victoria’s Secret underpants are missing and your daughter has been spotted in a tube top, drinking a double shot latte and smoking a cigarette outside of Starbuck’s.

You are now a prisoner of war.

Your captors develop this tone, this horrible, nasty tone that reeks of bravisimo and sarcasm. It is ever present and rings in your head like nails against a chalkboard. Get used to this fact, you are now the stupidest person on the face of the earth. You are to blame for their bad hair, their zits, their "D" in math, their locker jamming and world hunger. In addition, you dress like a freak.

You are invisible unless they need money or a ride. It is understood that for the privilege of doing either, you will refrain from the following: parking within a 50 foot radius of the school door, waving, touching them, talking to their friends, wearing your REO Speedwagon Reunion T-shirt, or taking off your dark sun-glasses.

Welcome to the pit of the un-cool. Your rules are absurd (you are the only parent that even has rules), despite the fact that you just spent $257 on groceries your refrigerator never has anything good in it and your music sucks. Where once you were the fount of wisdom, the child that kept you in labor for 14 hours before your caesarian, is now taking advice from someone who has made a conscious decision not to bathe, has pierced his penis and utilizes a vocabulary that consists primarily of the F-word. This boy, by the way, is the captain of the Football team.

[u][b]The Battlefield:[/b][/u]

What you need to understand is that what was, is no more. The bathroom, once a quiet place for eliminating waste and reading magazines, is now a battleground of apocalyptic proportion. It begins with a shower that has been going longer than the eternal flame at the tomb of the unknown soldier, followed by fists slamming relentlessly against a locked door. It culminates in a string of four letter words and the launching of the "accidental" artillery, the "accidental" body-slam against the door, the "accidental" unplugging of the curling iron, and the "accidental" flying blowdryer.

After they are in school, I walk sheepishly upstairs to search for toiletries that may have survived the carnage. I discover that there has apparently been a nuclear missile strike and among other things, what was at one time my blush is now the accent color of my new white bath rug. Still missing in action: one black bra, a tube of mascara, and the new bottle of conditioning shampoo. I got so sick of my things coming up missing that I bought a steel lock-box. Some burglar with bad luck is going to rob me only to find that my riches consist of a razor, a hairbrush, deodorant, assorted makeup and several pairs of underwear.

It is a world turned upside down. Ali, for example, was at one time so neat and afraid of germs that if a friend showed up with the sniffles she would follow them around with a can of Lysol. She wouldn’t use an antique quilt because someone may have thrown up or died on it. Now, we don’t enter her room without OSHA approved work boots, rubber gloves and some sort of breathing apparatus. I threw out something in a cup the other day that looked like a giant clump of elephant snot. I remember the January that I found a piece of petrified German chocolate cake in Megan’s underwear drawer. It was from a birthday celebration in October. Never underestimate the power of filth. It is quite possible that at this very minute, the cure for cancer is growing on a half-eaten cupcake in a teenager’s underwear drawer.

[b][u]Plan of Attack: Insanity [/u][/b]

Most experts will tell you that consistency is the best way to raise teenagers, I however believe that your best weapon in the War on Hormones is to exhibit personal behavior so random and bizarre that they have no clue what you will do next.

Case in point, one day we were driving to engage in some pleasant "family time activity". The girls began to fight over some stupid trinket. They were so loud that I couldn’t hear Glenn Beck on the radio. I held out my hand and took the item in question. I rolled down the window, tossed it out, rolled the window back up and kept on driving. Other than the line I overheard about me being completely insane, it was finally quiet.

One afternoon, Megan slammed her bedroom door in my face. I said nothing. I went downstairs, got the toolbox and took her door off the hinges. I put it in my bedroom for the next two weeks where she learned to adapt to having no privacy. It never happened again.

Another day, she took on an obnoxious tone and was completely ungrateful for the fact that I had been carting her around all day. We were on the way to take her friend home. It was dark and late and I thought that my head was going to explode. Rather than scream, I pulled the car into the driveway of a church at the corner of a very busy intersection.
"Get out", I said.
"What are you doing?" she asked indignantly.
"Get out of the car", I repeated, "we’re going to rumble". She eventually realized that I was serious and soon there we were, under a streetlight on the lawn of a church, rolling around and wrestling until we both ended up laughing hysterically. We stood up and brushed ourselves off and got back in the car. Her friend said nothing.

Erratic behavior gives you credibility. When you tell them that if they are late for school one more time you will personally walk them to class in your pajamas... they think to themselves... "This is the woman who served an elegant dinner in her bra and hung a condom balloon from our kitchen light", I think I’ll be on time.

[u][b]Peace Treaty[/b][/u]:

Understanding teenagers is not hard, surviving with a sense of humor is.

I have a good relationship with my daughters. I don’t try to be their friend and I don’t pretend that I’m perfect. I try to offer them a good solid foundation for living a happy life. One morning about 4:30 a.m., for some unknown and bizarre reason, I knelt down next to Megan and said, "Megan, don’t ever do heroin because it can addict you immediately and before you know it you will be dropping out of college and dancing in a strip club to get the money for your next fix." She looked up at me with her eyes half open, "Alright mama," she said, "I won’t".

I am not mainstream, but my girls know that they can come to me with anything and I will listen and be truthful. Sometimes their openness shocks me but I understand enough to know that ultimately by this time in their lives they are going to do what they want. If I yell and scream and threaten they won’t come to me anymore and I won’t be able to tell them why their decisions might be harmful. They seem to find reason in my insanity.

I am not everyone’s kind of mother, but I don’t have to be. I just have to be the kind of mother that my girls need me to be. The other night, Megan told me that I was a great mom; that I was always there for them even if I had to sacrifice. On the battlefield of love, that’s equivalent to the Medal of Honor.    
7 Comments
 
The Island...
10.14.04 (2:29 am)   [edit]
While it may be true that no man is an island; at the end of the day when the room is dark and our bodies find a place to rest we indeed come to a place where we are all alone; alone with our thoughts, our dreams and our burdens. In the light of day we hurry about… working our way through a maze of sensory and information overload. We travel from task to task taking in details, faces, and conversations. We hear but do not listen, look but do not see. If we bother to gaze into the eyes of the person sitting across from us it is rarely long enough to notice that behind those eyes is a soul crying out to be understood.

We judge the waitress who confused our order, the clerk who lost our file, the old man who drives too slowly, and the aimless girl who no doubt has had little guidance—thank God she’s not mine. We choose to make it about ourselves and rarely stop to recognize that even the most unlovable among us has a story to tell; a joy or sorrow that needs to be let loose, said out loud and responded to.

Lonely souls, tired souls, wounded and frightened souls, fighting for space to exist. Souls walking side by side with those who life has favored, the bright, the blessed, and the beautiful. We pass them on the street and it is like watching a slow motion replay of everything that we are not.

There are times when I see teenaged girls in a mall eating junk food and laughing and I am overcome by tears. How is it that they are walking around carefree with a head full of long shimmering hair while my 16 year old is afraid to eat sugar lest her tumors grow faster and has had to watch her hair fall out not once… but twice? How can it be that we are sweating blood fighting against this cancer so that Ali can live; but, every 18 minutes someone, somewhere feels so hopeless and alone that they take their own life? How fair is it that I am lying in bed listening to Ali and her friends laughing on the front porch when somewhere there is a mother who would give the world to hear the sound of her child’s laughter just one more time?

The truth is, there is no such thing as those that life has favored. Some people may appear to lead a charmed life but the truth is that everyone will be faced with their own private tragedy and they will be as varied as the people themselves. The only commonality in suffering is that in an instant everything we thought that we knew is altered and we gain a perspective that can only be understood by living through it.

We discover the depth of our souls and the source of our strength. We re-examine our beliefs and the measure by which we judge others. Through adversity we understand the nature of human suffering and begin to recognize the look of pain in the eyes of strangers.

Like fellow members of an exclusive club we share this bond… this mystical handshake… this revelation. A voice in our head and a spark in our heart that repeats over and over… I…am… not… alone. Someone has stopped long enough to look into my eyes and see that there is this thing… this huge, ugly, frightening thing gripping my heart and sometimes I feel as though I will not be able to take another breath. Someone who knows that a simple touch, a knowing smile, a gentle word of encouragement or a well placed silence can change the course of a day and when you least expect it you are not only breathing… but living… and not only living but living well.

So, tonight as I lie here in my dark room, seeking rest for my body; I am reminded that we didn’t just survive this day… we lived it and we lived it well. We asked new questions, moved beyond a setback, sang a duet completely out of tune, waved at boys on a motorcycle, hugged a stranger who has found herself on a similar path, received a token of amazing generosity and witnessed an incredible lightening storm. The huge, ugly, frightening thing that sought to destroy us…hasn’t. God is good. He speaks through his people; a voice in our head, a spark in our heart, a mystical handshake. There are no thoughts, no dreams, and no sorrows that are too immense to be shared. No man is an island and in my joy or in my sorrow I am not alone unless I choose to be.




1 Comments
 
The Truth about Girls and Boys
10.12.04 (1:55 pm)   [edit]
I believe, and have for quite some time, that deep down, I have the soul of a boy.

I don’t have penis envy and I am actually quite happy with my breasts. It just seems that for some reason I don’t seem to like the things that girls are supposed to like.

For instance, I have stopped pretending that I enjoy musicals, I can’t even stand to watch them because I have and intense need to yell out "Get on with the plot and for God’s sake, street gangs do not tap dance before a rumble!" I really don’t care who is dating whom in Hollywood; I’m just biding my time until the whole damn state falls off into the ocean. I would much rather watch a basketball game than anything on network television. I cannot stand Professional Ice skating, Awards Ceremonies, Soap Operas or Reality Shows.

If I want an ice cream sundae I order one without feeling the need to explain about my diet. I listen to talk radio. I am politically conservative. I prefer to drink beer out of the bottle. I collect old metal toolboxes, rusty tackle boxes and books about the Revolutionary War. I hate small talk, relationship discussions and stopping to ask directions. I’m not big on diamonds and I never went to cheer camp.

I’d be lying if I said that I never had my girl moments. In Little Women, when Jo says, "I could never love anyone as I love my sisters"… I cry. I get teary eyed when I sing Silent Night, say the Pledge of Allegiance and every time I get my gas bill. I like to buy lovely old evening dresses that I will never wear. I collect tiny books. I have recently been openly mushy over a boy and get a little aggravated when he doesn’t get mushier over me. I pull gray hair out of my head at traffic lights and use Clearasil over my wrinkle cream. I eat lots of Oreo’s and then yell at my girls for shrinking my jeans in the dryer. I roll my eyes at my mom.

That being said (and I am trying to be diplomatic), it seems that in the male-female rat race, we girls require a lot more maintenance than our male counterparts. There is a great deal of drama involved in being a female. If you doubt this, observe two Junior High girls at the mall.

Girls seek out their reflection in anything shiny. They flick their hair. Girls spend a great deal of time talking about other girls in ways less than favorable. They talk about boys in less than favorable ways also—but that’s allowed and usually short-lived. It is a compulsion of the female sex to discuss every detail to its death, over-analyze the simplest of concepts, and make a mountain out of a mole hill. Girls tell each other’s secrets, compete rather than cooperate and look to Dr. Phil and Oprah for the answers to all of life’s most perplexing problems.

Granted, as with anything and anyone, there are degrees to which people follow a pattern. If there weren’t, then I wouldn’t be collecting toolboxes and Metrosexuals wouldn’t be getting facials and having their eyebrows waxed at Elizabeth Arden.

It’s not that boys are perfect. To be sure, they possess a long list of aggravating and unexplainable habits. For the most part, they are in universal agreement that there is no wrong time for a fart. They lack the sensitivity that we crave, criticize our driving and due to a poor sense of direction not only get us lost in the wrong part of town but require us to use a lot more bleach in the bathroom.

I think that in my life I just like to keep things simple and when it comes right down to it, despite our efforts to make it difficult, boys are really a lot easier to understand than girls.

Boys want to be respected and they want their space. They want the opportunity to look at the Victoria Secret catalog in peace and don’t want you to talk during a basketball game (unless they need a play-by-play while they are on the toilet).

To a boy, "sex" can be used as a noun, verb, adjective or prepositional phrase. I was going to say "propositional phrase" but how corny would that be?

You don’t have to go through a great deal of planning when entertaining boys. If they are under twelve you can talk about bodily functions and make gross noises. If they are over twelve you can talk about breasts. It’s not rocket science.

Boys kill bugs.

Boys eat an inordinate amount of beef and starch. They tune you out the minute you start talking about your diet, the shoe sale at Saks, or what was said around the water cooler after lunch. Quite honestly, who can blame them.

Boys don’t like to be nagged, dragged, or too quickly bagged.

When girls are in an argument there is rapid deployment of information. The battle lines are immediately drawn, adversaries and allies isolated, and weapons sharpened for attack. When boys are in an argument, they slug each other, drink some sort of beverage and it’s over. I so appreciate expediency.

Why is it that boys have seemed to master the art of cooperating with one another a little better than we have? They are not quite so suspicious. We forgive them more easily and overlook flaws that we don’t in each other. Maybe, as girls, we have been raised with the notion that we must always prove ourselves instead of simply believing that we have something to offer.

I wish that we as a sex would learn to relax a little more. To be confident without asking everyone’s opinion, tough without losing our gentleness, and vulnerable without the need for vindication. I wish that when we looked into the mirror we saw our inner beauty and not our outer flaws and I wish that we would allow men to be stupid once in a while without serving up their shortcomings every night for dinner.

We are different, boys and girls, anyone with a pulse could tell you that. That’s what attracts us to each other in the first place. Then, for some reason, we alter the rules and start raising the bar just a little bit higher. How much time and therapy dollars do we spend trying to fix these things when we just need to understand each other and learn to live with them. I have a newsflash for you… it ain’t ever gonna change.

Mignon McLauglin said it this way, "the hardest lesson learned: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind."

I don’t know. Maybe I don’t have the soul of a boy and the truth is that when it comes right down to it, we are really not that different. I am certainly no sage. After all, I have spent two hours of gut-wrenching reflection on the subject of girls and boys and the best I can come up with is that boys kill bugs and girls let them. Perhaps, I have taken a simple concept and analyzed it until even professional ice skating sounds exciting. Maybe my children are right and I should be on medication. Maybe I am an old fashioned romantic or maybe I am simply looking for a reason to explain why no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get along with Oprah.

God help me, I’m such a girl.

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Message to Megan
10.07.04 (2:15 pm)   [edit]
This was my advice to Megan on the occasion of her High School Graduation. Maybe we all need the gift of looking at life from a fresh perspective now and then. Here is mine.

How beautiful she looks reading at the podium. My rebel, my independent spirit, my little girl. She was my experiment in parenting and was the recipient of all of my neurosis; the unfortunate curse of the firstborn. Despite this, she is smart, sassy, beautiful… and graduating from High School. Thirteen years of school plays, soccer games, report cards, sleepovers, and homework are over and I am setting her free. Her decisions from now on are her own. She must take her own risks, calculate the cost of her choices, and live with the consequences. How jealous I am. It is yours little girl… this clean slate…this empty plate. Fill it up with color and flavor and texture. Pile it full and never waste it.

I have little to offer you in the way of monetary congratulations. I cannot give you a new car or a trip abroad. I will find something to mark the occasion but it will be only a small token of my dreams for you. In the meantime, I will offer you this—my experience… the lessons that I have learned. Much of this is common sense but some lessons came with a very high price. I cannot protect you from hurt or disappointment or pain; but maybe something I say will help you navigate a little better along the way. Be well, little girl. On your mark… get set…. Go!

- Whenever you can, take a new route to an old place.
- Jump on the bed, play in the rain, make angels in the snow.
- Never be a cheap imitation of yourself.
- Commit yourself to finding the world’s best slice of pizza.
- Dictate your own style.
- Always be prepared to be spontaneous.
- Lay on top of your car and look up at the stars. Take a friend if you like but only one who will understand the significance of the moment.
- When seeking God, never lean on your own understanding. Neither should you lean solely on the understanding of others. Humans limit God. They box Him in and make Him what they want Him to be. Seek Him in everything. Never stop digging for truth.
- Build a snowman at midnight.
- Read a book by someone who has been dead for at least 50 years.
- Go to an antique store and buy something that sparks a memory.
- It is not any better to give your body away without restraint then it is to sell your soul. To do one is to do the other; because they are forever intertwined.
- Never miss the opportunity to forgive someone.
- Pay a compliment to a stranger.
- When you feel like saying something mean bite your tongue until you bleed.
- If you love someone never leave without telling them so.
- If the thought of something scares you then look it directly in the eye.
- Oscar Wilde said, a man who sees both sides of an issue sees nothing at all. Pick a side, get off the fence, know what you believe and why you believe it.
- A gas grill is never a good substitute for a charcoal burning one.
- Interview your grandparents. Ask them about their first kiss.
- Fly the American Flag and always take the time to vote.
- Don’t believe everything you learn in Church. Labeling something as "Christian" doesn’t make it any more right than the "secular" label makes it wrong. All things are God’s.
- Collect things that you find beautiful or interesting
- Rebel against something. Fight for something. Let go of something.
- Never miss the opportunity to be silly.
- If you chase after something have a plan for when you catch it.
- When you pull up to a Drive-thru window talk with a silly foreign accent... I’m serious… it will crack you up.
- Trust people until they abuse it.
- Don’t just love with passion… LIVE with passion.
- Be an enigma.
- Catch Lightening bugs in a jelly jar.
- It is impossible to ever find satisfaction in cheating.
- Don’t be a hypocrite.
- Don’t throw away pennies.
- If you aren’t going to give something your best effort then sit on the porch and pick the lint out of your toes… your time will be better spent.
- If you run with scissors make sure you have good insurance.
- Never rely on anyone else to make you happy.
- Be strong but be kind. It’s an alluring combination.
- Money doesn’t make you a better person it just gets you nicer vacations.
- Don’t let anyone rush you.
- Let old baggage lie. You can always find another suitcase.
- To yell and react in anger does not convey strength; it conveys the fact that you are too stupid or lazy to form a rational argument.
- A simple plan is almost always better.
- Never stop learning. Whether it’s reading Shakespeare or a manual on how to replace the engine on your car… don’t let your mind grow roots.
- Go fishing.
- Hang around with people who challenge you.
- Be reliable but not predictable.
- Don’t be bitchy. Don’t be whiny. Don’t be a victim. Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
- It’s perfectly acceptable to flirt in order to get out of a traffic ticket.
- Rent a cheap apartment in which to store your furniture and then leave it often. Get out of your backyard and seek the unusual, the foreign, the exotic. The world is a very big place so you’d better get started.
- It’s alright to say no; but if you say yes then honor that commitment and give it your all.
- Live frugally, save for a rainy day, know the difference between needs and wants, chop up your credit cards, and never try to keep up with the Jones’. Simple living doesn’t mean giving up luxuries—just establishing priorities.
- Don’t mistake pretentiousness for class.
- Change the oil in your car every 3,000 miles.
- If you feel like you need a good cry… then you probably do.
- Be patient in love.
- Don’t have higher expectations for those around you than you do for yourself.
- When you think of giving up… think again… and again… and again.
- Don’t blurt out everything that pops into your mind. Don’t hold in things that need to be said.
- In life and in love don’t settle for what is "safe"… seek out what ignites your heart, mind, body, soul, and spirit. Once you have found it… never, never stop kindling the flame.
- Make the best use of your time. Sometimes that means taking a nap.
- Let your words matter.
- Learn from your mistakes.
- Aim high.
- Travel light.
- Follow your own path.
- Last but not least… call your mother!

Congratulations. The world is yours… go grab hold of it. Love, Mom
5 Comments
 
Break-up with Kenneth Cole
10.04.04 (11:53 pm)   [edit]
"We used to shop at all of the finest stores Aunt Lori and now you’re telling me that you can’t even afford the half price sale at Goodwill?" – Jenson Strock (11), niece, philosopher and fashion maven.

There you have it…my unsavory financial picture; as defined by a northern Ohio debutante wanna-be. Damned if she wasn’t right though. Not only did we once shop at the finest stores; but, we accessorized and weren’t ashamed of it.

True, I once enjoyed the occasional Ann Taylor or Kenneth Cole but we parted ways shortly after circumstances left me stranded in the financial equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle. Divorce, suddenly returning to the work force after 17 years as a stay-at-home mom, and Alison’s illness converged almost simultaneously. While I was concentrating on not being overcome by the waves, the undertow knocked my feet out from under me and I found myself dog paddling to stay afloat.

If this chapter of my life had a title it would be "Exit gold card; enter humility". I won’t get into details on the many factors that contributed to the undertow. No complicated economic concepts at work, just life. Did you know that they actually shut off your utilities if you can’t pay your bill? So help me God. And if you think that you can schmooze your way into keeping your clean, reliable gas heat… save the banter for your next traffic ticket because they aren’t listening.

Imagine, for instance, that your daughter cleans the dining room (amusing, I know—but let your mind wander there). In an effort to expedite the cleaning process she places a large pile of mail into a drawer in the living room. This is not just any drawer. This is the drawer, where you will find tubes of old lipstick in colors that would be offensive to your average hooker, Tupperware lids and blender warranties, old zippers, expired coupons, dead batteries, plant seeds, an empty box of pop tarts, cords that don’t have appliances and appliances that don’t have cords, dental floss, tattered white envelopes containing precious baby teeth recovered by the tooth fairy and pictures of your ex-mother-in law.

Somewhere in this organizational nightmare lies the shut off notice for my phone-- which I don’t find out about until my best friend (the one who still wears Ann Taylor) calls me at work. I probably could have reacted more graciously but, I still hadn’t gotten over the loss of my cell phone; which was shut off the previous week after much soul searching revealed it to be a wiser choice than living without gas or electricity.

Despite my irritation, a temporary respite from the incessant ringing of telephones sounded like an appealing notion. My only concern was that in case of emergency we would be unable to order a pizza. Hours later, a dark cloud descended on my home as I gathered the girls together and broke the news. I was greeted with rather blank looks and I knew that it had never occurred to them that someone actually had to pay money in order for the phone to work. Alison, always the optimist, headed toward the stairs and was surprisingly calm. "Well," she said, "at least we have the Internet". At about stair number three the realization hit her. While Megan and I bowed our heads, a mournful cry of "Noooo!!!" resonated from the kitchen.

A few days later, with the telephone disaster under control and our house back to a normal level of chaos, I returned home from work elated to spend a peaceful afternoon in my garden. I turned on the hose anticipating the familiar smell of damp dirt and summer flowers. What I did not anticipate was the three drops that actually came out and then a vast quantity of nothing. How long I stood there waiting for water I do not know. I vaguely remember untangling the hose and waiting some more before I sat down on the back porch and cried.

Unfortunately, the lack of water was the least of my worries. To access the shut-off valve in my front yard they had to dig a small hole. They used the same valve to turn the water back on, however, the exposed pipe developed a leak. By the time that they fixed the leak I had a hole in my front yard that measured eight feet in diameter and six feet deep. It took their crews two days to fix it; all for a $30 water bill which was sitting in a drawer under an empty box of Pop-tarts and a not so flattering picture of grandma.

For the moment, all of our utilities are functioning… with the exception of cable. Its demise came one summer afternoon while Megan was lying in the sun. She called me at work to give me the heads up. "Mom, I think that they’re disconnecting our cable". Always one to think on my feet I quickly said, "Megan, do you think it might help if you flashed them?" "I’m pretty sure, no, mom" she answered, as if the idea was completely without merit. "Then just let it go," I said, "just let it go".

Despite all of the events of the past year, I am content in this place. I have simplified. It is my new beginning and the feeling of coming home is comfortable and familiar like an old pair of jeans or an over-stuffed chair. I am glad that our big house in a sub-division has been abandoned in favor of a 137-year-old house in a city neighborhood where I am reminded of my childhood.

I grew up in a time and place where life was modest and unassuming. Most of our clothes were sewn by mom or grandma and we often wore hand me downs-- except for me because I am the oldest, thank God. Who in their right mind wants to wear their sister’s old clothes? Vacations were limited to camping and restaurant visits were rare. We dined on salmon patties, meatloaf with mashed potatoes, fried liver with onions and Hungarian goulash.

The thing is I rather enjoyed the goulash and I don’t mind that I don’t shop at the finest stores anymore. I’m not embarrassed that my teenage daughters have seen me shop at Goodwill or have had to do without cable. We cheat our children by giving them more and requiring less. It robs them of having to make choices and waiting while they work to make them come to fruition. If your son is driving a BMW to school at 17 he will never know the humble feeling of being seen behind the wheel of a car that is held together with duct tape and Sierra Club bumper stickers.

Contentment is a by-product of humility.

When you have lain awake at night praying for a way to buy formula and diapers or sold your furniture to pay for groceries; it seems pretty silly to cry over a break up with Kenneth Cole.



5 Comments
 

Grace, beauty, humor, strength.
Alison Haley Cloud
Nov. 16, 1987-March 1, 2005